Life

Not sure what is going on with Boy B, but in the last week, there has been major regression in his behavior? Nothing has really changed, but something is going on.

I’ve noticed that once again, little things are setting him off. He is constantly talking about how anxious he is and how frustrated he is getting. I have analyzed his schedule and the surrounding factors and nothing makes sense. The only variable, was that my wife was gone for 6 days and that is the only change in his schedule.

His eating and sleeping has been on schedule, day care, etc have to. But this week has been rough. He has been out of sorts and has been hard to deal with at day care. These are the moments of frustration for me as a parent. These are the times that I try analyze the thought process of a child and their thinking. And the reality is, there is no logic.

As a parent, especially those of us with children that have issues or whatever label you chose to place on them, it is hard. I feel that I have to always adapt and that I have to always analyze his moods and behaviors.  I really feel that we started to turn the corner and getting things on track. But he has really had a major step back with this regression with his behavior.

Prior to my son starting OT and seeing a child psychologist, he would scream and yell and jump up and down when he did not get his way. He would loose control in a second. As we started working on certain things, specifically fine motor skills in OT and he was on a routine with the child psychologist, things got better. We say immediate results and transformations.

So, when things get off course like this past week, it really makes it hard and then you add on top of that, my wife was in a serious car accident this week as well.  Life has been hard and parenting is hard work too and sometimes it just doesn’t all make sense.  But I really hope that we can get to the bottom of this regression and turn it around because with everything else going on, I really hope to get it together.

 

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Perspective is the word of the day. And let me frame it up in a different way, often times we look at things in one way, but in reality, when we step back, we have a different point of view or way that we look at something. Perspective!

Yesterday before walking into a meeting, my wife called to let me know that she was heading to pickup the kids and just left the office. Maybe, 15-20 minutes later, my phone rang, I just had a feeling that this was not going to be good. I knew that it was rainy. I knew that the road that she was traveling on is congested. I just had a bad feeling and I was right.

So as I hurried out of the office and on the way to where my wife was on the side of the road, because she had been rear ended, every possible thought that I could have had, I did. I knew that she was ok and not hurt, I knew that she was upset and I knew that her van was more than likely totaled. But here comes that moment of perspective, cars can be replaced, people can not. Our boys were not with her, they would have been hurt and possibly pretty badly.

After dealing with some emotional components to this, i.e. my wife’s mother was killed exactly 50 miles north of where we stood on the side of the road. Looking at what was the back windshield and seeing all of the glass shattered throughout the back. Seeing how the front of the van was pushed in, because the force of the impact of where my wife was rear ended and then being pushed about 2 car links into the car in front of her and the damage that was done.

Waiting for my wife to be checked out last night for either a concussion or whiplash. Seeing how she was moving slowly and already getting sore and tense. Making the call to USAA last night to start the claims process. Waking up to a 7:30 call from the car rental, asking what time we would arrive. Realizing this morning, that we had paid about 6 months off of the car loan and that we were at about a year and 8 months before it being paid off and then I was going to get something new and then realizing, I wasn’t.

Perspective is when thinking logically through each and every one of those things and knowing that the days/weeks and maybe month ahead will be stressful. Knowing that we now have to buy a new car and that really wasn’t in the budget, at all. Life doesn’t always work the way that we have planned. But, it could have been a lot worse. Perspective. Perspective sometimes takes a little while, maybe even days before it is realized, but I am just thankful and grateful.

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As a parent, we deal with a constant change. What happens happen today, might completely change tomorrow.  This is all part of life, right? Of course, but when there are other factors involved, it does make it a little more challenging.

I feel lately that we have been in a state of constant change with Boy B. One minute, things are great, the next he is beating up his brother. Granted, having had a younger sister, I get the fighting thing, but only to a point. And my wife, who is an only child, doesn’t get it.

I have seen so much growth in my son that it is beyond amazing. And yet, when the outbursts happen or he hits his brother, it feels that we took a few steps back. BUT and this is the most important thing, even though we have these issues, he is growing out of many that he had and the outbursts are decreasing.

So in a state of constant change, it is good to see a lot of growth. And with it being the summer and less structure, that has not helped with some of the behaviors that we have seen as well.

 

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The struggle is real or at least, it has been the last few weeks. We have come to the final home stretch of Kindergarten and by all accounts, the boys have exceeded their first year’s grade level expectations by a lot. And, we all survived, which is also important!

I have noticed though that in the last few weeks, Boy B has struggled with a few classes and some of the changes in his schedule. I remember a long time ago, when I was in school, the last few weeks bothered me because of the lack of structure. So the struggle is real with him and the lack of structure of the day and it has reflected in his daily behavior sheets at school.

Speaking of no structure, today was Field Day for the boys and as I made my way onto the campus at school, I stopped for a moment to watch at how far my sons have come in the last year. And the struggle is real for me, as much as it is for them. You see, we all have grown, we all have changed, but we made it. We worked through the changes together and had a lot of talks, but we made it through their Kindergarten year.

So Dad’s, as you embrace your child’s 1st real formal school year, the struggle is real, but you will make it. You will be ok and your children will be ok too. Be there for them. Help them when they have struggles, but let them make mistakes. The struggle is real.

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Disappointment is a HUGE part of life and sadly, it happens on a daily basis. And this week, has been a HUGE disappointment for me, both personally and professional. BUT, there is a way to look it, complain or move on.

Personally, I have had a really good friend that has been in the hospital for the past week and things don’t look good for him. He had an emergency surgery and has just struggled since coming out of surgery. The doctors are not sure what the problem(s) is/are, but are trying to do everything that they can for him. But this is going to be a long road of recovery for my friend. He is going to have a hard time, but I just hope that he gets that chance.

Professionally, I have been given more to do at work. Most would say awesome to that, but when I am basically doing the job of 4 people, I can only do but so much. And I finally broke down last night and said that I wasn’t liking who I was becoming and a large part of that is due to stress of work. I don’t like feeling like I am bringing work home. I do not like feeling like I need a break before playing with the kids.

Adding fuel to the fire, I am beginning to think that I was passed over for a job that was a dream job, though I have not been officially told. Yet another large part of disappointment for the week. This could have opened new opportunities for me. This could have been the career path that I was looking for. But, it might not happen and I’m frustrated, no, disappointed.I have really struggled this week, more so that I can every really remember to be honest and I think that that is ok. I think that it is ok to be disappointed when bad things happen to you, but it is how we handle them going forward determines our real long outcome. Jobs will come and go, it is just a fact. And yes, I really thought that this was it. This was going to be the one and my next career path. But maybe it just wasn’t meant to be? Maybe it wasn’t where I was supposed to be long term, but for today, I am disappointed and that is ok.

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How often do you walk around saying that today is a good day? Probably not often, if you are really honest with yourself. But, I heard someone say it this past week at work and it totally changed my day.

This past Wednesday was a BAD day and it started before leaving the house. My wife asked me a question that frustrated me and it was not as much the question as it was the timing of the question, as I was trying to walk out the door. My commute, though is only 50 miles and on most days, takes over an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes, took closer to two hours. I walked straight into my first meeting and was in meetings the rest of the entire day. ALL DAY!

As with anyone in a management role, especially in the IT world, they know that there are personal issues and technology issues all the time. And this was one of those days, that while in meetings, I had multiple texts about outages, a down server, etc. And I had a personal matter that was pulling me out of the meeting as well. And, if that wasn’t enough, my wife called in tears because of something going on.

As I wrapped up my day and ended my last meeting, I was beat down and frustrated. I loaded up my bag and was getting ready to head to my Jeep and looked at the map for traffic, and it was going to be another hour and a half commute home. I was beat and I was done for the day. I just wanted to get home, hug the kids and rest for a little bit.

And as I was walking through the hall of the hospital on the way to me jeep, I was on my phone texting with a friend and not really paying attention and then I heard children laughing. And then I looked up and saw a father pulling a wagon with 2 kids on the side of the wagon holding hands with a little girl who was sitting up and enjoying her ride. And I noticed that the mom was pulling the child’s IV pole and wiping away tears, but it was in that moment, the father turned and looked at his wife and said “Today is a good day!”

WOW! I literally stopped in the hallway and was completely speechless. Here is a dad, pulling his sick daughter through the hallway of the hospital, who is obviously sick and all he could do was focus on the good and positive, because they probably have gone through a lot of really hard times too. In just a brief 10 second moment, I got to see that everything that I saw and went through that day, did not even come close to what this father was going through and dealing with.

What had been a hard and very frustrating day, I was able to see that even in the hardest days, the hardest moments and the hardest times, that today is a good day. I truly believe, that God was tapping me on the head and saying, pay attention, your life could be a lot harder. And for that, I am truly grateful.

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Unconditional Love can be defined as the following from dictionary.com

affection with no limits or conditions; complete love

And the older that I get, the more that I get to experience that type of love from my children and it just blows me away. Last night, I was tired. I had been up since 4 a.m. and had not slept well. I was exhausted and had been cooking, cleaning, watched a basketball game and by 9 p.m. I was asleep on the sofa.

And in one of my not so finer moments, one of the boys came trotting downstairs and I got upset. He should have been asleep over an hour and a half before. I was frustrated. I was tired. I was upset and most importantly, I was WRONG! I was wrong in my behavior and my actions, but something happened, after I put my son back to bed, even though I was hard on him, he asked me to hold his hand.

I never knew the love of a child and how no matter what, they will love you with a pure and innocent unconditional love. They will hold your hand and want to feel safe, but they will also show you, me, us as parents, that it is ok. Last night, I learned a very important lesson, that no matter what, my children will love me. They will be there when I need them, just as I am there when they need me. They will hug me or hold my hand when I have a bad day. But they will also teach me a lesson when I need on too.

It seems as though I am never truly shocked by what my kids do or what they will say. Sure, there are things that I wish that they would do differently and there are times that I have to get on them, as they need to know right from wrong. But, they too are teaching me that when I do something wrong, they are right there to let me know that they are ok or that everything will be fine.

I am truly blessed. I am blessed with two amazing twin boys that I love to the moon and back. I am blessed to have a wonderful wife, that when I need a swift kick in the butt to get me refocused on being a better parent, she is more than willing to kick me. But I am blessed to have two sons, that love me no matter what and they show me what unconditional love, truly is.

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This past week, my wife asked what I thought about us getting a puppy for the boys  and I froze. She tried to explain her thinking that it would give them a chance to learn some responsibility and help with Boy B staying calm. All I could think was that I was going to be adding to my responsibility at the house. And I wasn’t even factoring in additional costs for Dog food, toys, Vet visits, etc.

After conversations between my wife and I, we decided to take the boys to meet her. So we sat the boys and talked with them about the puppy and that we were thinking about getting her. We showed them photos and even talked about what responsibilities they each would have with her. And as soon as they asked if we were getting a dog, I just new even without seeing her, we were getting a dog.

So that night as I put the boys to bed, Boy A asked if he could walk her everyday and Boy B wanted to read to her. Immediately, they started to get that they were going to have to take on things in order to get the puppy and they were excited! Really EXCITED! And all I could think about was, when I was a kid and having my first puppy and then I was sold. And it was at that moment, we basically became the All-American family with 2 kids, a house with a fence and now a puppy.

Fast forward a week to yesterday afternoon and the boys got to meet their puppy for the very first time and it was love at first sight. She is a 3, soon to be a 4 year old Yorkie and is great with the boys. Boy A has already taken her on 2 walks, with assistance of either my wife or myself. And Boy B had her in his lap last night reading “Whose Foot Prints?” to her and she just laid there and both were calm and peaceful.  There are some training things that I started this morning with her, but so far, so good. The transition to a new home and for us to adjust to her has gone really well.

 

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Sons, I want you to listen to this one piece of advice, always think! Think before acting. Think before speaking. Think before doing. Thinking is a crucial part of growing up and adapting to life.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life because I didn’t stop to think before acting. I’ve lost friends and loved ones because I reacted first instead of stopping and thinking first. Now, not all of those losses were necessarily bad, but some where. Some I wish that I could go back in time and do differently.

As you grow up, you’ll make mistakes, just as we all have and continue to do. But, I ask you to do something that no one ever taught me to do, reflect on those mistakes and ask yourself one question. Ask yourself, would you do that again? Would you respond like that again? Would you act that same way? Would you treat that person the same way? If your answer is yes, then move on. If your answer is no, make amends with that person.

Think through your decisions first, that is a valuable piece of advice that I can give you as your father.

Recently, I made a mistake with your mother. Was it bad? Yes, yes it was. Could it have been worse, HECK YES! But did I learn something? YES! I learned a valuable lesson that I need to stop and think before acting. So, learn from my mistakes in life. Learn when you should act vs. react. And learn to stop and think before doing, trust me, it will save you a lot of headaches and heartaches in life.

Love, Dad

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I am ashamed.
I am ashamed in my behavior.I am ashamed in some poor choices that I have made.
I am ashamed at what I have done.

I will.
I will do better.
I will be a better father and more importantly husband.
I will communicate better.
I will be more loving and more supportive.
I WILL!

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