Life

Sometimes in life, you realize that life just isn’t fair.

Sometimes, you are shorted, and that is just life.

Sometimes, you are dealt a really crappy hand, but know that there are others worse off than you.

Sometimes, you experience things, that just suck! But maybe that person that you are helping on the side of the road after a bad accident, is having a much worse day.

My point is simple, sometimes life really does suck. There is no way around that simple fact. BUT and there is a BUT, if you stop thinking about yourself, you realize very quickly, that someone is going through something much worse than you are.

Always, keep that perspective. And it isn’t always easy to do. It is ok to feel sorry for yourself, but only for a little bit. But remember what you have. Remember that you are loved. Remember, that sometimes, life happens.

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Sometimes in life, you just have to realize it is not that bad.

I realize that it is a hard concept, especially when things are not going as well as you would like or expect. But in reality, what you are dealing with in that moment, though seems bad to you, in reality is not that bad.

I had this moment of thought this morning while talking with my mom about a person that I grew up with and seeing over the weekend their ramblings on social media. And through these posts, there was a serious cry for help from this person.

At face value, they had an amazing life. Money. Big home. Spouse is a celebrity. But through a series of rambling posts, their life was falling apart and the world was able to read it, one post at a time.

I had been having a pity party this past weekend. More stress from work. More put on me at home. Felt beyond overwhelmed. And as I watched this person’s life, literally unfold in front of my eyes, I realized, what I was dealing with was not that bad.

Was it my stuff and frustrated with my day and circumstances, absolutely, but what I was dealing with was not long term. It was not life changing.

So, as you go through your day today, look around and know that others around you are dealing with things much worse than you are, and that things are not that bad.

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Sometimes, we find ourselves needing a do over or in this case, taking a “Take 2”.

Back in January, so 8 months ago, I took time off from drinking. I felt that I needed to reset myself. I needed to take a break. I wanted to see what it was like, not drinking for the month.

Could I do it? Would it be hard? These were all things that I asked myself, before doing it and during the month. But what I realized, was that it was not bad at all. That even included going out with my wife, when she would have a glass of wine with dinner. And it was ok.

So, it is time to do a “Take 2”.

The last few months have been a struggle for me. And when I mean struggle, I mean, I have not dealt with things very well, work, family, etc. and I turned to beer or wine as a way to escape.

This past week, I realized, enough was enough. I needed another break, but this time, longer than a month. I needed to figure out, why am I drinking to escape these things, instead of dealing with them either A) in a healthier way or B) just dealing with them period.

Work has about killed me. Literally and figuratively speaking. My wife’s schedule has about killed me. Literally and figuratively speaking. We have changed my son’s ADHD medication and well, you get the idea.

But, enough is enough.

I don’t like who I am when I drink. And the last few months, I didn’t stop with the normal 1 or 2. And there is the problem. Before, I could stop, no problem. I could realize where I was with it and control it, this time, I haven’t done that very well.

I have struggled to figure out the balance and I need to be the best father and husband that I can and continuing down this path, was not going to be doing that. I couldn’t be who my family needs me to be, if I’m drinking or at at least, how I was doing it.

So, I’ve started up with trying to identify the triggers in how I am feeling and ready to take this on straight ahead, again. I’ve done it once, I can do this again. But this time, it is different. I feel different. I feel excited, not like dreading it when I did it in January. Sure, I’ve got to share with people that I’m not drinking, when they offer me a beer and that is ok.

Part of this, is being ok with me and right now, I’m happy with the decision that I have made. I’m embarrassed at some of my behavior, but that is something that i have to live with. But, I’m pleased with knowing that the first day, was not bad at all. And let’s be honest, there are more benefits to this than negatives.

  1. Better sleep.
  2. No regrets the next morning.
  3. Showing my kids, that it is ok to mess up, but learning from those mistakes.
  4. Facing issues and tackling them now, before they are truly an issue.
  5. Being who I need to be for my family.

I’m not perfect. Far from it. But on this “Take 2”, I’m looking forward to the positive benefits and this change. I’ll post an update in a few weeks as to how this is going and, the boys preparing for school.

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I tried and failed at my attempt at going back to school. But, with failure, I learned a few things that I hope to share.

I tried. Had I never taken the chance, I would always wondered what it would have been like to goto Graduate School. But, I also learned a lot of values that were more important to me than a piece of paper.

I was told to expect 5 hours a week outside of class for work. I was spending more like, 15 – 20 hours a week total. So, by spending that much time on school work, that meant that I was getting a lot less sleep than I should. Spending a lot less time with my kids and my wife.

I realized on a drive to work one day, that I needed more time with my kids, as they would not always be young and want to spend time with me. And also, in the last few weeks, we had not one, but two deaths in the family within a 26 hour period as well.

Life got in the way, but I tried and failed.

Or did I really fail?

Did I fail if I realized what was really important? Did I fail if I found what I lost? Did I fail if I needed to finally put boundaries on my time and put the importance on my family?

Depends on who you ask and what your definition of failure is. To me, I succeeded.

So, I tried and failed. But in reality, I took a chance and found what mattered more to me, is spending time with my family.

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Dry January or Sober January or Sober 30, there are a lot of different names for this month. But one thing that it can be called, in my opinion, refreshing!

This past New Years Eve at around 10:30 p.m., I had my last drink. Forever? Probably not. For a while, yes. And on New Years day, I started Dry January.

So what is Dry January? In a nut shell, one doesn’t drink for the entire month. Simple right? Well, for some, yes and for some, no. I realized that I needed to take a break from drinking. I need to get my s*&t together.

Still not convinced that Dry January is really a thing? Take a look at the following articles that have just been written about the topic: Time, Self, ABC, Market Watch, Wall Street Journal & The Washington Post.

Are there benefits to not drinking? Absolutely. Where do I begin? Health? Finances? No waking up the next morning wondering if I ticked off someone or said something inappropriately?

And I’m lucky. I am lucky because I have a great support system around me, that encourage me of those benefits. Now, I’ll be honest too, I have not had any struggles with not drinking either. Meaning, I haven’t thought about just having a drink.

I realized that I needed to make a change. And I think that I have. I have at-least started to make a change. Here are a few positives that I’ve noticed in just 7 short days: More energy; Sleeping better; More patience; More aware and mindful of things and that is very important to me.

In the last 6 months, I started to learn more and practice mindfulness and meditation using the Calm app. If you haven’t used the app, I highly recommend the website or the app, because they are great tools. But yesterday as I was cooking, I kept feeling that something was off. And it hit me as I reached for my bottle of water, it wasn’t a glass of wine or beer. When I cook, I have a few drinks.

To me, cooking is relaxing, but I always had a beer or two or wine when I cooked and yesterday, it was water. And funny thing, I was just as relaxed with water, as I would have been with alcohol. But, I recognized it. I recognized the difference and continued to cook.

As my wife and I were talking about our day yesterday, I shared with her the article from Time and we talked about how we had both over the last few months, had one or two, too many to drink. We talked about the importance of taking time off and reflecting on things.

She told me that she was proud of me! She teared up when I shared the realization of grabbing water instead of alcohol and quickly identifying that. We also talked about February 1st and if I would have a drink?

I did not and nor do I have any answer to that question, because I don’t know? I love a great glass of wine or a good craft beer. But one thing that I can say without a doubt, is that Dry January has taught me that it should be a single or at the most, two, of those beverages and that it doesn’t have to be everyday either.

I am committed, once I get past this sinus infection, to working out 3 – 4 days a week. I have also looked at previous bank statements for the month to see what we were spending on alcohol and breaking that up into 4 payments and putting that money into savings as well. So there are several benefits.

7 days down and a lifetime to go. I really think that doing this, has really opened my eyes to a lot of things and has already started to help me change and make myself into a better father and husband and friend.

To all of those doing the Dry January challenge, be strong and stay focused.

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Sometimes in life, things get to be a little overwhelming. I just got through a major project at work, which was both challenging and rewarding. But, it made me MIA (missing in action) from my family.

To say that it has been a struggle internally for me to be so busy at work and also mentally away from my family has been brutal on me. I’ve come home some nights in time to put the boys to bed. I’ve answered questions as to why I have been at work so much.

Now, that the project is done, I hope to be able to take a few days off. Rest. Relax and gain some new perspective on work.

I say that, but the reality is that because of my role within the organization, I have more visibility than ever before and have more pressure than ever before. There are pros and cons to that too.

If share nothing else with my boys, I hope that they see my hard work ethic and the way that I treat my team. I hope that they see that I treat even the most entry level employee, as one of the most valuable members of our organization.

I hope that they see that I make certain sacrifices for them, so that they will continue to have a better life, than I did as a child. I hope that they see how much I want them to understand the importance of how truly blessed that they are.

Being MIA is hard, even for a short period of time. But being there for my boys, means everything to me and it is time to make sure that they know and understand that. Even though they see me walk in and change and then put them to bed, before even I eat dinner.

Today, that all changes.

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Well, we made it! We made it to 10 years of marriage and lived to tell about it.

Life hasn’t been always easy, in fact, I think that it was summed up best by our minister when he did our marriage counseling. I’ll never forget him looking at us, holding our hands and taking a deep breath. And then he laughed and reminded us that it was OK to laugh and that we had been through a lot already.

A brief recap of from our first 10 years and this is in no particular order:

  • My wife’s mom was killed in a car accident, 4 months after we got married.
  • We lost both our paternal grandmothers and my wife just lost her maternal grandmother.
  • I lost my grandfather, who I was very close with.
  • I lost a job and got a better job.
  • We struggled for 2 years to have the boys and were finally successful with IVF.
  • Did I mention we tried for 2 years and through that we FAILED a lot.
  • Three car accidents with one being serious.
  • There have been good days and some really hard days.
  • We have struggled financially.
  • Been blessed financially too, as my wife and I both have good jobs.
  • Got a great dog.
  • The boys have succeed at school.
  • One of the boys was diagnosed with ADHD & anxiety disorder.
  • The other boy is a very talented athlete.

So those were just a few of the things that we went through. And many of those, were in the first 2 – 3 years of our marriage. But, through each one of the challenges and successes, we came out stronger together.

To celebrate and I mean that literally celebrate, we went away last weekend, just the two of us. Rented a cabin in the mountains and just relaxed. And it was fun to just reconnect.

Our daily lives are pretty crazy. My wife’s job has unpredictable schedules, which is all that the boys know. But this is our lives. It isn’t always easy, but what marriage is?

This is our first 10 years!  I was quickly reminded of the most used verse used at weddings and it still is true today!

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. –

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)

Now, what do the next 10 years look like?

We have already started planning. Talking about where we want to move next. Our kids and their progress through school. My son’s athletic abilities and where would it be best for him to learn more techniques and sports specific training?

Last weekend, we talked a lot about finances. Where we are and more importantly, where we want to be! There will be a future post on that.

But today, we celebrate!

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Growing up, I was not one of my father’s top priorities. That does not make him a bad person, but a fact is a fact.

I remember begging at times to play catch, throw a football, heck anything so that he would spend time with me. But I was often brushed aside for a work call or something else. I desperately wanted that love and affection from my father and I really wanted his time.

Fast forward to the day that I find out that I was going to have the twins and I looked at my wife and always vowed to our family the top of my priorities. My career was taking off at the time, but I had to find a balance between work and family.

I made a decision to balance work and my family and it is a decision that I have never once regretted. My boys and I laugh and play. We cook together and we play catch nightly. We even have our own secret hand shake.

So why do I share these things? Maybe it is an affirmation that I’m trying my best to be a good father? Maybe it is my letting go of the fact that my father put things in front of me and that I wasn’t a priority for him?

Regardless of the reason, I love being a father. I love that my son’s trust me to ask questions that they will not ask my wife. Perfect example, read the post on The Hardest Part of Life and understand, my wife works in end of life care, not me! I stare at computers all day and think about things to cook when I get home.

Having children is hard, no question about it. Having twins is no different than parents that have multiple children that are different ages, it is just that, the difference of ages. We all struggle. We all try our best to put our kids as our top priority. Sometimes, we fail at this, that is just life.

I know that for me personally, there is no greater feeling that being called Dad. There is nothing more that I look forward to in the morning, than seeing the boys when they first wake up. And after a long commute home, seeing my son waiting for me with our baseball gloves and ball, waiting for me to pull up.

By the time that I get home from work, I am tired. I normally spend 2 hours plus of driving a day, then meetings, emails, etc. I would love to be able to walk in the door and just lay on the sofa and rest. But that isn’t life.

I walk in the house, change clothes and get ready to go and play catch. We talk about their day. We work on fundamentals. We talk about what we are cooking for dinner that night. And more importantly, we laugh and spend time together.

I have friends that do not have kids that talk about taking naps and sleeping in. And some days, I would like to throat punch them. But I would not change this for anything.

So this afternoon, after coming home for a long day at the office, a long commute and drenched in sweet (I don’t have AC in my jeep), I will smile and change clothes and spend at least 30 minutes playing catch. And I only have 1 word that I will leave you with, PRIORITIES!

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The hardest part of life is losing those family members that we love.

That was the conversation that my son and I had the other night at bed time. And it really hit me because he said it with tears in his eyes.

We are going to see my grandmother next week, who is 94 years old. And there is a good probability that this might be the last time that we get to see her. And as hard as it is on me, because I will be saying goodbye to my last grandparent, this will be the 3rd loss for my boys in about a year.

But as I sat in the floor, holding my son’s hand and praying that I could find the right words to say to him, I was reminded that my boys ask me these questions for a reason. So, I took a deep breath and begin to talk about life and death and that we should focus on the today and not worry about tomorrow. And as we talk, that lead to other questions and more of me trying to find the right words.

I tried my best to bring my son comfort. I tried to give the best answers to his questions that I could. And once he seemed to accept my answers, I wiped away his tears and he wiped away mine. He laid his head on his pillow and holding my hand whispered “Dad, the hardest part of life, is losing those family members that we love.”

For a 7 year old, my youngest is an old soul. He is thoughtful and very much a deep thinker. He analyzes and worries about things, that I wished that he wouldn’t have gotten from me, but did. I don’t know that when I was his age, that I was thinking about the life and death spectrum?

As he drifted off to sleep, I thought about my answers. I had hoped and prayed that I could bring him comfort. I had hoped that I could take his worry and turn it into hope. But at the end of the day, he is right. One of the hardest part of life is losing those family members that we love. But I truly believe that if we focus on the time we have with them, that even though the pain will be there when they are no longer, we will have memories to hold on to.

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Summer schedules are both a blessing and a curse!

This summer, has been a blast for the kids. They have been doing a one week on and one week off with their camps this summer. And tomorrow, they start up a 2 week swimming lesson class and then in the afternoon, Mindcraft camp! Now, the Mindcraft camp is something that they have really looked forward too, but at the same time, they have also struggled with the week off.

A few observations on while they are at camp, they sleep a lot better and they aren’t peeing in the bed at night (FYI a future post). But they are worn out at night, which is a great thing, but being off a week, throws their schedules off a lot too.

Another great thing about this summer is that my wife and I have gotten a weekly date! I can’t even put into words how awesome that is. We get to goto dinner. Talk. Enjoy a glass of wine or two. Catch up and actually date again. There are books on the importance of dating your spouse, which I highly recommend.

But back to summer schedules. The great thing about the boys schedule is just that, there has been a week on and off for them. They get to have fun and relax. The bad part is that for Boy B, he needs the schedules more so than Boy A. But, it has also put him in very anxious and difficult positions and he has needed to learn some more coping techniques too.

Now that we are rounding out July and starting 2 new camps for the next 2 weeks, we are also transitioning into August. Where we live, August just means that we have another month before school starts. But, it also means that we are going on vacation soon too.

We have had a lot of personal things going on, which will most definitely be a future blog post, but for now, I just say that for the first time in my professional career, I’m taking more than 1 week off. Does that mean that I will not work during that time, no. What it means is that I am taking time to regroup. Spend time with my family. Relax.

One thing that I’m learning more and more about, is the need to relax. The need to have downtime. The need to separate from work and to just enjoy life.

This year, I’ve changed our summer vacation to something more of what I need. So this year, we will spend 3 days with my family and our niece and nephew so that the boys can spend time with their cousins, I’ll also get time with just the four of us at the beach alone too.

But, we’ll also go and say goodbye to my grandmother, my last grandparent.

So, as we adjust and review summer schedules, life goes on.

Until tomorrow, when the boys start back a 2 week intense swimming lessons. I start preparing for some much needed downtime.

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