Life

I’ve struggled a lot lately with how much of the truth I tell my sons about my childhood.
There have been a lot of questions, as they are of they age they want to know and ask things.

But how much do you tell? I’ve talked with friends that are a lot smarter than I am and more importantly, focus on child psychology and they have said to share what I fell comfortable with.

But that really didn’t help. The truth is this, my childhood was not that great. That is just a fact. But to what point do they need to know? And that I do not have an answer? And more importantly, it is something that I have struggled a lot with of late.

Watching the movie I Can Only Imagine brought a lot of feelings and thoughts to the forefront of my life. Was I hit with a plate, no, but did that movie hit way too close to home, yes. Do my kids need to know this about my past? Probably not. And probably not, I mean no.

As a parent, my job is to protect my kids. Not lie to them, but maybe not share all of the truth. When asked, I can say that things were not great in my childhood and shift the focus of the conversation to something else. Because what good does telling the truth do?

From my friends in the psychology world, they have talked with me at great lengths about breaking history and I usually laugh, because they know me better than that. The cycle of abuse has been broken. But the truth about my childhood to me, ends with me.

My son’s have asked a lot lately about my father and I just smile and try to answer as best I can. Sometimes, I lie. Is that fair to them, no. But is telling them the truth fair to take away the innocence of their view of their grandfather? Telling the truth does not help them in anyway and that is ok!

I’ve started for the first time in my life, dealing with what was my childhood. In doing so, it has also made me realize a lot of things too. Some of those things are not good either!

So today, as my kids ask me about my childhood, I give them shades of the truth, in hopes that it protects them from the truth and it helps me process it at the same time.

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If you are on social media, which by the time my kids are old enough to read this, they will never know about Transformation Tuesday or Thursday. But it got me thinking this morning, as my wife and I have been talking about changes that we both want to make.

Transformation: noun
  1. the act or process of transforming.
  2. the state of being transformed.
  3. change in form, appearance, nature, or character. (dictionary.com)

So here are a few things that we’ve been discussing:

  1. Working out 2 – 3 days a week & take a family walk on the weekend.
  2. Drink more water and less alcohol. This is beneficial for a lot of reasons, but if nothing else the calories.
  3. Eat more fruit and vegetables.
  4. Find a new church (not that we want a new church, but we moved and our amazing church is too far to drive each week.)

Why is this important? Well, outside of the obvious, it will allow us to be healthier, it will also create more family events and time together. As our kids get older, the importance of doing things together, is becoming a greater need. But also, so is simplicity and scaling back our lives.

My wife and I have been blessed beyond words, as have our children. And something that we try to share with them on a daily basis, is that not all children are as lucky. We are trying to include them in these transformations as well, to realize that they have a great life. So as we start and in some cases, continue this process, there will be some starts and stops along the way.

As I get older, I realize how our thoughts and views constantly change. Who I am today, is very different than who I was at 21, 30, and even 40. Transformations are a constant evolution of who we are and how we think and experience life.

 

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Your friends and I mean, your true friends will help you keep your accountability in life. Trust me on this guys, when you have a close friend that can help you get through life’s biggest challenges.

I know that for me, I’ve been lucky to have two very good friends that have always been there for me, they have kept me accountable to working out, being a better person, etc. They know things about me that, if I leave this world early, they will be able to share these stories and many more.

My point is very simple, a good friend that will be there for you through the good and bad, is worth more in this lifetime than anything. A friend that will be able to hold you accountable even when you don’t want to hear, is someone that you want in your corner.

Accountability is crucial thing in life and not something that you should take lightly.

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Sometimes, it rains in life. I know, not a very deep thought there, but the phrase “rain” could be used for a multitude of things.

Boy A has not been able to play baseball with his teammates in almost a month, because of the rain. And when he asked this morning if he was going to play, I just said “buddy, sometimes, it rains.” And it stinks for a kid to hear that, but it is true.

I used the word rain very carefully in explaining the cancellation of his game today, because it is not just playing baseball. My wife and I have started a weekly conversation about were we are financially for the week, progress of paying off debt, things that we need to be thinking about and focusing on for the coming weeks.

There has been a lot going on lately in our lives, ranging from my son’s surgery all the way to my wife deciding to short sale her condo. This has been a debt that has heavily weighed on us and I can not begin to count the number of sleepless nights that I have had over this property. This was the house that my wife purchased about 2 months before we had our first date, so we had never even met!

This is the house where my wife cooked for me for the first time, where my children spent the first 4 years of their life and a place where we laughed, cried and figured out how to start being a married couple. So there were a lot of feelings with this one, both good and bad. And taking the emotional side out of it, this hurts my wife in a lot of ways, primarily in her credit.

So today, as I type this and cook lunch for the boys, I look over our finances and though we are no were near where I want us to be! I do for the first time see a light at the end of the tunnel. My family is safe. My kids are healthy. And though I have struggled with the idea of doing a short sale, for many reasons, after getting some really good advice from a family friend, I agreed.

And as I told my son this morning, “sometimes, it rains”, I realized that I wasn’t just telling him that about his game. But I was I was also giving myself from reassurance too, because if this short sale goes through, yes it will be a though time financially for the next several years for us, but we will also not be sitting under the dark cloud that this condo has placed over us.

So in life, sometimes it does rain, but after the rain stops, there is often times a big rainbow too.

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If you haven’t taken the time to go and see the new movie that was just released, I Can Only Imagine, you should. The song, which is based on the Christian band MercyMe and the life of Bart Millard.

The movie takes you from the lowest of the lows to the highest of highs and somewhere in between and without a doubt will change your life. Throughout the movie, I held my wife’s hand tighter, as I was seeing glimpse of my life on the movie screen.

As my wife walked out of the movie theater, we were both in silence and I could tell she wanted to ask me something. I could tell she was really struggling to find the right words, as she had tears just coming down her face. And it was after we cleared the building and were almost to the vehicle, she asked how much of that I had lived through?

Through tears and for the first time in my 11 year relationship with my wife, I discussed things about my childhood with her for the first time. And through the movie, it opened a dialogue and it gave me hope for the future and confirmed my thought that my past will not define me.

As I am learning on a daily basis, our past, does not mean that it will be our future. It can be, but if we choose to do something differently, we will. And in seeing the movie and seeing how the father was transformed into a better person, I just sat in awe.

Today, is a new day. A new chapter. The challenge is how do we live our life today?

 

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Sometimes adulting is hard. Granted adulting really isn’t a word, but to me, it just works.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind for me and my family, well, really my wife and I. We have been in limbo as we have been actively discussing a job and a move. The pros and cons have been discussed a lot.

There were tears and concerns.  There was excitement and fears. But at the end of the day, we were back and forth on the possibilities and at the end of the day, we didn’t have a decision on what to do. I was back and forth on a daily basis and the boys had no idea. There was no need to share with them an unknown.

Over the last several days, I started leaning one way, but would occasionally float to the other decision for no rhyme or reason. I let a few people in on my decision and struggles with what I was going through and leaned on their thoughts, knowing that I had to make a decision.  Good friends will tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear, and I’m lucky to have good friends.

Last night I was watching the UNC basketball game and at some point in the second half, I made the decision. It was weird, I figured out sitting in the recliner and it just came to me out of the blue and I felt at peace. I texted a buddy of mine and I said that I knew what to do but that I was sleeping on the decision and let him know when I woke up.

“We are not moving.”

That was the text that I sent my buddy. I just knew and was 100% sure of the decision. I had struggled for days on the decision and struggled for weeks what might be. But, what I kept struggled with is how does this work? Can I be away from my boys for 5 days at a time and my wife? Would I be ok living out of a suit case? Sure it is for a short time, but my son’s need me, as much as I need them.

We depend on each other. Who would be there to sing Lyle Lovett at night? Who would be there to help me grill or cook? Who would be there to nag me about my clothes not matching? Sure, 2 months, that is what we would be talking about and yes people do this everyday, but I’m not everyone.

I literally felt like the weight of the world had been taken off my shoulders. And, I was at peace.

So tonight, I hug the boys and my wife. Tonight, after a lot of struggles and a lot of worrying, I am at peace.

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Looks like there might be a possible move in our future. At least as of today.

Next week, I travel for a possible new job. One that could be both exciting and challenging. But this possible move is also stressful as well.

There have been a lot of conversations, both with my wife and also with the possible organizations. The thought of moving, is exciting and scary all at the same time.

One on hand, it might be time for a change. But on the other, I would be away from my family for a month or two, 5 days a week, which is not ideal. Is it the end of the world, no, because families do it all the time. But for me, who is a very active father that puts his kids to be every night, it makes my stomach hurt.

Another big focus in all of this is my kids. They are established in their schools. They have little friends. We know their Pediatrician and he knows us. The thought of having to find someone new and build a relationship, does not excite me. But at the same time, this move could be a great thing for my family.

A good friend of mine asked where our end goal was for the family as it pertained to living and I said, North Carolina. And as we talked through that this was not in North Carolina, he reminded me that it took him 3 moves to get to his dream town.

This move would be a lot easier if it were just my wife and I. This could be possibly a no brainier to be honest. But I have to consider my kids. I have to think about how a possible move would impact them.

Everything would change. We would know not a single person there. We would be starting new. For someone that is not normally a risk taker, especially this late stage of my career, I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a leap of faith.

My guess, is that by next time this week, I will know if we will be exploring the possibility of going or not. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But it does add a layer of stress to life.

So, here is to a possible move.

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I realized this morning, that I really do not like who I am becoming. I do not mean that as a negative, but really more of a fact.

This morning before leaving the office, I was tense and on edge. One of the boys spelled some of his milk and did not tell me, and when my wife found it became a HUGE issue. Was it blown out of proportion,  maybe?  But she was not happy and I was on the receiving of that.

So my response was a simple reminder that I was getting ready to start my hour and a half commute, that I had a day full of meetings and then I would be driving another hour and a half back home after work. And it was then I realized, who I am becoming is someone that I do not like.

The argument that my wife and I had this morning, was not over the spilled milk. It was over my job.
My work load has tripled and there is a chance in literally the next few weeks, that it could do so again. I am on edge the time that I leave the house until I come home and often times, it is now taking me hours to settle down.

And that time that it takes for me to relax, is time that I’m not me. I’m frustrated. I’m short with my wife and my kids and I don’t mean to be, but I’m struggling. I am really trying to keep it all together. I’m focused on ensuring that my teams at work are doing their jobs and at the same time, when I walk in the door at home that I switch gears.

So this weekend, the phone goes away. My focus and attention is going to be spent on my family and I am going to try to relax some. In order to change to who I want to be, I have to change who I am becoming.

 

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I’ve stared looking at the year in review and all in all, it has been a good year. The family is healthy, spent a lot of time with friends and family.

So here are just a few of the highlights and they are not in any particular order.

  • Both boys are doing great in school. In fact, both have been recognized for achievements in learning.
  • Boy B was diagnosed with ADHD & has been doing great with both a combination of medication and also additional services to help him learn to cope with this.
  • We celebrated the life of my Grandfather this October. My Grandfather meant the world to me and taught me so many valuable life lessons. You can read more here.
  • We were able to meet our 1st financial goal that we set for the year and that was to pay off at least 2 major credit cards. 2 done and a few more to go. But, in all honesty, that was hard because we had an increase of medical bills due to my son’s therapy. Not complaining, but just a fact. But we are on pace to hopefully be in a better place in 2018.
  • My wife was in a major car accident this summer. I will never forget the feeling of pulling up to the accident and seeing the damage to my wife’s van and feeling how blessed we were that she was still alive. Her guardian angel was definitely there for sure protecting her.
  • We added a new addition to the family! Meiko aka The Meeks aka a great little puppy.
  • I started doing DDP Yoga, which is something that I never thought that I would do or even more importantly that that, enjoy.
  • Grateful that my family in Houston were spared any damage during Hurricane Harvey.
  • Cooked a whole lot and really started to broaden my horizon with cooking and taking some serious leaps with that. I also added grill number 4 to the deck. Which gives me 4 Grills and a smoker.
  • The boys just started martial arts and love it. And Boy A is starting to play basketball at the Recreation Department.
  • Work is, well work. Nothing really good or bad to say.
  • My wife’s job has changed a bit as well, so there has been an adjustment period there for us too.
  • My two favorite teams won championships, UNC Basketball and the Houston Astros.

All in all, life is good. We had our ups and our downs in 2017 but made a lot of great memories too.

And 2018 already has some bright spots. My wife and I will be celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary and will be renewing our vows, with our kids there. And if all goes well, we should be able to really knock out a lot of debt in the front half of the year and being on our way to being debt free. And we already have at least 2 trips planned for the year as well, with many more to go.

So, from my family to yours, enjoy the moments and have a Safe and Happy New Year.

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At dinner on Saturday night, the boys were playing games and all of a sudden I hear “Son of a B…..” shouted at the table. Not something that you expect to hear at the dinner table, especially in public at a restaurant, but there it was.

I was in second grade before I heard my first cuss word, let alone saying it out loud. And the one time that I did say it in front of my dad, let’s just say that it didn’t end well for me. But sitting there Saturday night, hearing my son say Son of a B….. for the first time, totally caught me off guard. I was speechless for about 30 seconds.

And then I was faced with two choices and he knew as soon as he said it, that he was in trouble. But Option 1, take him out side and spank him or Option 2, calmly explain that what he said was wrong. So, I went with option 2 and we talked about how little boys do not need to talk that way.

Let’s just mark this down as just another thing that I was not expecting to deal with at such an early age.  I knew that it was coming, heck my wife swears like a sailor at sea, but I have really tried my best to keep my language clean. Now that being said, the boys are still not allowed to watch the UNC vs. dook basketball game, as I save all of my bad language for those games. But it was moments like Saturday night that really made me question if sending the boys to public school was the best option?

Do not get me wrong, I have zero plans to send the boys to private school for several reasons and the most important is that I pay city and state taxes, which directly effect the school, so why would I pay more? But more importantly, I will not lie and say that home schooling the boys did not cross my mine Saturday night.

As the night went on and we talked more about appropriate language, I was taken back to sitting on my grandfather’s front porch, talking with my Dad and he spanked me. And as I talked with my son’s about their choice of words and how they responded, I realized that I made the right choice in talking with them versus spanking. Even when they Son of a B….., I just sometimes shake my head.

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