Life

Lately, I’ve felt that I haven’t been able to focus or when I do focus, I’m focusing on things that I should not or that are distractions. Life can be hard, we are often pulled in so many different directions, between work and home life, focus can really become blurred.

My commute each day is about 1 hour in both directions and I often use that time to think through my day, what needs to be done when I get to the office. What meetings that are scheduled and what tasks I need to get completed, etc. And my commute home, I focus on spending time with my boys, making sure that they have a good meal to eat and that after dinner we play and get ready for bed. But lately, these drive times have been more of a distraction. They have clouded my thinking and my views and have some days left me in a fog, so to speak.

I realized on my drive in this morning that there are a lot of things going on, both at home and work that are starting to weigh heavily on me. I need to decompress. I need to step away from life for a few days. I need to regain my focus. My focus has and will always be my kids and that will never change. But at the same time, I need to think through all aspects of my life and do something for me. I need a few days off. I need to think about my life for a while. I need to sit on the dock and look at the mountains and I need to listen. I need to listen to the sounds around me and focus on change.

I need to find my focus.

 

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I’ve seen this scene with Will Smith and James Avery from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air several times and the sad part, I can relate all too much to this scene, as many fathers can.

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by, that I don’t think about all of the moments that my father missed out on. Birthdays. Anniversary’s. Basketball games. Baseball games. And I’m sure that I could continue that list for days. I remember learning how to shave while my dad was on active duty on the west coast I believe, while he was in the Army. I remember looking up in the stands for my dad and there was always an empty seat. I remember that empty feeling of not having my father there for father/son events at Scouts. I can relate to this scene on many levels, both good and bad.

You see, the fact is my dad wasn’t there a lot. The fact is that my dad put his career before myself, my sister and our family. I remember my dad being gone more than being home. I remember when he would have to leave for extended periods of time or when he would come home late and all I wanted to do was play catch. But the glove or football would sit on the steps well after he would come home. I learned how to adapt and somewhat cope, a say somewhat, because I don’t know that I’ve really expressed how that made me feel to my dad, because at this point, I don’t know that it matters anymore? My friend that is a psychiatrist would probably disagree.

But I can relate also to when Will Smith turned to James Avery, because even though my dad was not there, I have had awesome fatherly role models that to this day are some of my closest friends. And to this day, I still go to them for some of my most challenge questions when I need advice. Today was different though when I watched this clip, as this was the first time that it moved me to tears and I don’t really know why? Regardless of the reason, the raw emotion of wanting your father to be there and they put their priorities first is something that I lived through for the majority of my childhood.

In a conversation with a close friend, he asked me why I do as much as I do with my kids? I just said with a smile, I want my kids to know me. I want them to never have to look up in the stands and wonder if I’m going to be there or not? I never want them to wonder if I loved them. I never want them to feel that I’m not there for them and to make sure that they are the first priority in my life. I can relate to this clip on so many levels. And yes, my relationship with my father is better and at some point in the last year, the words “I’m sorry for missing so much of your life” was actually uttered during a conversation.

I remember the first night that we had the boys at home and as I was rocking them to sleep, I vowed to always put them first. I vowed to be there for them and teach them. Teach them right from wrong and teach them what it means to be a good husband and father. I hope and pray that I’m doing that. I hope that I’m showing them how to treat women with respect and to take care of themselves. And my hope, is that one day, when my kids read these posts that they can look back at our time together, that I did the best that I could.

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There are two words that I love hearing more than anything “DOWN TIME”. These are two words that I love to hear from others and that I love saying, because we all need it. We all need to slow down and sometimes just think out loud.

A few nights ago my wife and I were discussing life, where we are, somethings that we needed to talk about that were bothering us, etc. And as we were talking I realized that it is ok to think out loud and express thoughts and concerns and feelings. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Lately, without going into a back story here, I’ve had to think out loud a lot with friends. I’ve needed to share somethings with them that I just had to get off my chest. And I needed for them to be my sounding board and to just listen. I am fortunate that there is a core group of guy friends that we can do this with. We can text or call and just say, “I need to vent and I need you to listen.” What that really means, I need to think out loud for a minute and I don’t need interruptions or opinions unless asked. This group of friends have been able to listen, provide feedback and suggestions and basically, be what friends should be, there for me and I for them.

So in a few weeks, one of my good friends and myself are going down to his lake cabin and just relax. And I can’t believe how exciting I am about going to the trip. I’ll be able to cook and we’ll just laugh and think out loud. It is going to give me a chance to step away from life and rest.

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Life Isn’t Fair might be one of the hardest truths to except, but it is a fact of life. And it is a fact that is hard to accept sometimes.  I think that most try to live by the golden rule of life and hope that things just somehow work out. But, the reality is, that sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, life is hard and frustrating and you just want to scream to anyone that will listen “LIFE ISN’T FAIR!” and hope that they can relate and offer a pat on the back.

There will be times that you really want some thing, but it just doesn’t work out. There will be things/toys/etc. that you might want, that you can not have.
There will be things that you will want to do with your friends, that we’ll sometimes have to say NO to, but the reality is simple, life isn’t fair. And the hard part, is that this doesn’t change as you get older either!

There are times as an adult, I want to take a nap, but I can’t. There are times that I want to take a day off and do nothing, but I have responsibilities at work. There are times that I want to go outside and cook all day, enjoy a cold beer or two and just rest. There are times that I want a new Jeep Cherokee, but it isn’t in the budget right now. There are times, that I can’t way to move to a larger house, but jobs haven’t opened at the right time or worked out in the negotiations. Sometimes, life gets in the way and you just want to tell the world that life isn’t fair!

But, life somehow seems to work out, for the most part. Or, it has been my experience that things somehow work out. Or, I hope at least?

Yes, there is more to this post, but sometimes, you can only write about certain things at that time, for many reasons. And as I type this out, I am thinking that sometimes, Life Isn’t Fair!

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Every had one of those days? Sure, we all have.

Yesterday, was one of those days for me and I learned a valuable less and a trick that really helped.

I had been in an all day meeting and literally as I walked out, my phone rang and it was my wife. I knew that she was on the way to pick up the kids, but it wasn’t completely out of the norm for her to call and ask what I was cooking for dinner or grab something at store, etc. But her voice was different and I knew immediately wrong. “I was in an accident and rear ended someone” that was all that she said.  My heart dropped and after I made sure that she was ok, I just had to get off the phone because I was beyond frustrated.

My mind raced, how bad was the damage, was the other person hurt, how in the hell did my wife rear end a second car in 2 months? So, I had to make a decision in how did I respond and react to my wife, because I was not happy. Accidents happen, but I was pretty sure it was something that was avoidable. On my walk to my jeep I texted my buddy and told him that I need to call and vent and he said to call when ready. I literally got in my jeep, dialed my buddy and I went off. Just a few minutes later, after my buddy let me vent, I was calm and relaxed and that 5 minutes helped me for my drive home and saved the night completely. And when I got home, I walked in, hugged and kissed the boys and my wife and when we talked, my wife got upset. But I realized my wife wasn’t mad at me, but she was upset with herself and her embarrassed.

It was one of those days, but I realized that I have a great group of friends and that I can pick up the phone and vent and it saved the night.  But I am just grateful that my wife was ok and that my boys were not with her during the accident, but there was no damage to the van and limited damage to the other person’s car. Life is short and we have to be grateful for the moment.

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Nothing good comes when a sentence starts with “It’s one of those ……” and you can fill in the blank as to what could be said.

It’s one of those days….
It’s one of those outfits….
It’s one of those types of families…..

You get the idea. Well, a co-worker mentioned the other day about her church, which is a local Catholic Church and when she asked about the music at the church that we attend, I mentioned that they led off the previous service with Zac Brown Band’s Homegrown and she looked at me and said, oh, you attend on of those churches.

Now, you have to know my co-worker and understand their personality to accept the backhanded comment a little easier. But this one just kind of hit me wrong and it did for several reasons.

1) They knew that I attended church and at the end of the day, isn’t that the most important thing? Not which denomination, but the fact that we attend.
2) The boys love this church. They are literally asking each day if we are going to church. HUGE!
3) This is the first church that my wife and I have attended and have loved being a part of. We feel like we belong. We feel like we are apart of something bigger here. Something bigger than we did when we attended the United Methodist Church and my wife and I both attended a Methodist church our entire lives, so over 30 years.

So I stood quiet for a moment and gathered my thoughts, because my first response would not have been the right one. So I smiled and said yes, yes we do attend one of those churches. We attend a church that is reaching over 1,200 each Sunday. We are attending one of those churches that had missionaries in 3rd world countries but also doing amazing local outreach in our community. We attend one of those churches that meets people where they want to be met, not following the traditional worship style. We attend one of those churches that goes out among the people and make a difference.  And it is more revealing to more and more each Sunday why contemporary/non-denominational churches are growing and reaching more and more people each week and why the traditional church is losing members at a large level.

So why do I mention faith and religion and church as much as I have lately? Not sure to be honest, it is just something that I’ve been thinking more about lately. But what I know is that attending this church has done something big in the lives of my children and strengthen the relationship between my wife and myself. And I hope, at some point when my kids read this, that they will see how that we have tried to show them a greater being in faith.

So yes, we attend one of those churches, one of those churches that is changing lives, including mine.

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My wife forwarded this article entitled 13 Signs You’re a Parent of Twin Babies, which you can read here. But we had a good laugh, because this pretty much correct of our everyday lives.

And as we read the article, we took each one and added or commented on how true it was for us, so here goes:

1. Your house is starting to look like a daycare center.
Amen to that! We are forever cleaning up the living room, wiping toys down with Clorox and sweeping the floors.

2. Coffee is the new water.
This wasn’t something that I’ve really had a problem with. I’ve been drinking coffee for years, so I don’t know that I’ve increased my daily consumption?

3. You don’t want to hear about single-baby problems.
Every parent has problems, doesn’t matter if they have one kid or 12. To me, parenting is hard no matter how many kids you have.
For us, we don’t know any different, so we only are able to comprehend what we have experienced.

4. There is no such thing as running a quick errand.
This is true. I took the boys to church, then to get donuts and then to the grocery store and by and far the hardest of the trip was the grocery store.
And it was hard because, it was “Can we have this?” “We need chips!” “We need cookies!” “We need ice cream!” Ok, the last one was me, but point being,
that if it had been just me, I could have been in and out of the store in under 20 minutes. With the boys, though they helped, they do require a little longer.
And then the amount of time that it takes to buckle one in, then go to the other side and buckle the other up, put away groceries and then the cart, it takes longer.

5. Getting them to sit still at the same time is an Olympic sport.
We took the boys to the Memorial Day Parade over the weekend and all in all, they wanted to join the parade. I mean, who doesn’t, but sitting still can be hard.

6. You don’t remember what quiet sounds like.
The last quiet night that I had, was the night before the boys were born. And even that night, it wasn’t that quiet, as I couldn’t sleep waiting on the arrival of the boys.

7. You never stop doing laundry. Never.
I think that we did 4 loads this weekend and that was a slow weekend.

8. Your twins are a magnet for public affection and you can’t go anywhere without questions, oohs, ahhs and the dreaded baby pokes from strangers.
So very true. And as soon as the boys started talking, women flocked to them immediately. I have told my brother for years, just take the boys to lunch and you’ll
have no problem meeting women.

9. You’re going to lose it if one more person asks, “Are they twins?”
My favorite responses that I use are: 1) We have twins? Oh my God, who knew? 2) Nope, we had one, saw the other sitting on a park bench thumbing for a ride,
we figured why the hell not?

10. You don’t need to go to the gym anymore.
      So very true, but who needs to go the gym when you can take walks with the family, goto the playground, etc. Gyms cost way too much money and are highly
overrated. However, they do provide a little quiet time.

11. You have bags and bags of used baby goods that you don’t want to throw out.
      See, we don’t have that. When we are all about downsizing our lives and our house, etc. We are really focused on getting rid of the clutter. We have some things
that we have kept, but by in large, we are really focused on getting things out.

12. The other question you’re tired of is, “Which one is older?”
 After church each Sunday, we take the boys to get donuts and each Sunday, the same lady waits on us. And each Sunday, the lady always ask which is older.
It happens all the time, because wait for it, the boys are individuals and one is larger than the other. But they are their own individual person and at the end
of the day, does the 1 minute difference matter?

13. You’re the luckiest.
AMEN! People will ask, how do we do it? How are we able to afford twins? How are we able to chase after them all day? How are we able to spend time with both
of them? And it is simple, we are blessed beyond belief. We are blessed to have two healthy and wonderful little boys. We are blessed to be able to be the parents
of these little monkeys. We are blessed to have two little boys to love on and they love us back. So how do we do it? We just do and love every minute of it!

Being the parent of twin babies isn’t easy, but then again, being the parent of one baby isn’t easy either. There are constant worries and concerns. There is always the thought, are we financially prepared for this? How much will college cost? Are we doing ok as parents? Being the parent of twin babies isn’t a chore, it is a blessing! It is truly a gift and one that I am grateful to have been blessed with and I am just so happy that I have those little boys in my life.

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It was bound to happen sooner or later, but tonight out of the blue the boys left my wife and I in tears. Literally we are crying like babies and it was over the most simple and innocent thing.  But the fact that it happened on Mother’s Day, might have made it a little easier and also harder at the same time.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and the boys and I got my wife flowers, cards and a selfie stick and before any jokes are made about the selfie stick, it is am inside joke between my wife and myself. But after the boys and I grilled dinner last night and for the week, my wife was showing the boys a picture of her mom & for those of you that don’t know, read my post entitled 6 years.  My mother in law was killed in a car accident over 6 years ago and there is not a day that doesn’t go by that we don’t talk about or wish that she were still here.  My wife showed a photo of my wife and her mom together and it was a photo that they had never seen before. The photo was from Mother’s Day over 10 years ago, when my wife graduated from college. As soon as my Baby A quietly asked who it was with their mommy, my wife quietly explained that it was her mommy on Mother’s Day years before they were born. And just then it happened, Baby A asked the hard question, “Can Grandma come to my house and see me?” Silence, followed by tears.

My mother in law has been dead for close to 7 years and even though it has been 7 years, it hasn’t been easy. Holidays are hard. Mothers Day might be the hardest day of them all and tonight, as innocently as possible, they wanted to see their grandmother. My wife and I abruptly ended up in tears & I am still wiping them away now. Tears of sorrow. Tears of joy. Tears of frustration. Tears of heart break.

The boys do not know that their grandmother died 7 years ago, they just know that they have my parents and my wife’s dad and his girlfriend. At some point we will have to explain all of this to them, but last night on Mother’s Day, I think that a simple statement that caused so many tears to flow, brought peace and comfort. But as my wife and I talked about, one day, in a few years, we will have to have a very hard conversation with them and tell them about their grandmother and her dying. And then there will be a lot of people that will tell stories about what a wonderful person that she was and how many lives that she touched. And though, it will be harder on us than it will be on them, as they will not know any better, we will know what they are missing out on. We will know how loved they would have been by their Grandmother. We would have known that we would have had to beg her to not let them spend every weekend with her. So with those knowings, we will have to struggle and wipe away tears and talk about one of the most amazing women that I have ever known.

Over 1,200 people attended the visitation and as far away as 3 states. She touched the lives of many and she made a difference in the lives of a lot. Last night, with tears in our eyes, we said a simple prayer and thanked God for our time with my wife’s mom, but as we wiped away those tears and hug and kiss the boys goodnight, we are hurt and filled with sorrow.

Good night to my little Monkeys. Happy Mother’s Day to my wife, my mom, my sister, friends and family. And Mom’s, I know that you are smiling down on these little kids, I just wish that you could have gotten to experience them first hand.

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I was saddened to read last night that a friend that I’ve known since 4th grade passed away last night.  Life sucks sometimes. It is not fair. It is not always understandable and maybe we aren’t supposed to understand certain aspects of life?

I tried to remember last night how long that it had been since I had last seen my friend and I was ashamed to admit that it was over 15 years. Life had gotten in the way. We both moved away, I moved to a different state and vary rarely returned to visit, but it was during that time period that my friend also had a serious car accident as well. The accident left her with many life long challenges, but at no point did she not smiling.

Today my friend, we will not say goodbye, but sleep easy. Tonight, you are at peace, no more pain or sorrow. No more challenges. But, you will be able to continue that smile forever.

Life isn’t always easy, but it is how we choose to live it that matters the most and you did it with style and grace.

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If I had not heard it with my own ears, I would not have believed it.  But at 9pm last night, I was standing in the kitchen and I heard what sounded like water dripping in the kitchen. I walked over to the window, looked at the vent that leads to the boys bedroom, nothing. But I knew that I heard something.

A few minutes later, I sat down and started eating and I heard water dripping again, this time, I heard the boys over by the vent. I knew that there weren’t any cups of water in their bedroom, so that meant one thing, PEE! That’s right, the boys thought that it would be funny to pee in the air vent and let me correct that, as I quickly figured out, it was only one of the boys, Baby A. As I went upstairs, I had to quickly gather my thoughts and make sure that when I talked with them, that I was stern, yet fair and more importantly, try my best not to laugh.

Boys will be boys and let’s be honest, we’ve all done some stupid things in our life. My mother reminded me this morning that when my dad was in OCS in Mississippi, I guess that I was about 4, that one night that I was sleep walking and thought that it would be a good idea to pee in the closet. I asked my mom how she handled it and she laughed and said, “well at that point, what was I going to do?” Point well taken mom. And that is was partially how I felt last night, he had already gone, my job now was to get the point across that he wasn’t supposed to do that and that there would be a consequence for that, i.e. no TV shows after school.

I realize that parenting is a day by day thing, meaning that you just really never know what they will do or say.  But never did I think that I would ever have to tell my son that we don’t pee down the air vent. That was a first.

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