Death

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but tonight out of the blue the boys left my wife and I in tears. Literally we are crying like babies and it was over the most simple and innocent thing.  But the fact that it happened on Mother’s Day, might have made it a little easier and also harder at the same time.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and the boys and I got my wife flowers, cards and a selfie stick and before any jokes are made about the selfie stick, it is am inside joke between my wife and myself. But after the boys and I grilled dinner last night and for the week, my wife was showing the boys a picture of her mom & for those of you that don’t know, read my post entitled 6 years.  My mother in law was killed in a car accident over 6 years ago and there is not a day that doesn’t go by that we don’t talk about or wish that she were still here.  My wife showed a photo of my wife and her mom together and it was a photo that they had never seen before. The photo was from Mother’s Day over 10 years ago, when my wife graduated from college. As soon as my Baby A quietly asked who it was with their mommy, my wife quietly explained that it was her mommy on Mother’s Day years before they were born. And just then it happened, Baby A asked the hard question, “Can Grandma come to my house and see me?” Silence, followed by tears.

My mother in law has been dead for close to 7 years and even though it has been 7 years, it hasn’t been easy. Holidays are hard. Mothers Day might be the hardest day of them all and tonight, as innocently as possible, they wanted to see their grandmother. My wife and I abruptly ended up in tears & I am still wiping them away now. Tears of sorrow. Tears of joy. Tears of frustration. Tears of heart break.

The boys do not know that their grandmother died 7 years ago, they just know that they have my parents and my wife’s dad and his girlfriend. At some point we will have to explain all of this to them, but last night on Mother’s Day, I think that a simple statement that caused so many tears to flow, brought peace and comfort. But as my wife and I talked about, one day, in a few years, we will have to have a very hard conversation with them and tell them about their grandmother and her dying. And then there will be a lot of people that will tell stories about what a wonderful person that she was and how many lives that she touched. And though, it will be harder on us than it will be on them, as they will not know any better, we will know what they are missing out on. We will know how loved they would have been by their Grandmother. We would have known that we would have had to beg her to not let them spend every weekend with her. So with those knowings, we will have to struggle and wipe away tears and talk about one of the most amazing women that I have ever known.

Over 1,200 people attended the visitation and as far away as 3 states. She touched the lives of many and she made a difference in the lives of a lot. Last night, with tears in our eyes, we said a simple prayer and thanked God for our time with my wife’s mom, but as we wiped away those tears and hug and kiss the boys goodnight, we are hurt and filled with sorrow.

Good night to my little Monkeys. Happy Mother’s Day to my wife, my mom, my sister, friends and family. And Mom’s, I know that you are smiling down on these little kids, I just wish that you could have gotten to experience them first hand.

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Husband, Father, Grandfather, Friend, Mentor or to millions of fans, he went by Coach. Saturday night, basketball lost an icon, but a family lost their leader. And by family, I mean both literally and physically, you see Dean Smith created the Carolina Family and whether he wanted the attention or not, he was the one that started it all.  Dean Smith was and is and will always be the face of Carolina Basketball and Saturday, as he passed away at the age of 83, that fact still remains.

As I have had time to reflect on this, it is hard. It is hard hearing of the lost of someone. It is hard knowing that his family and friends are suffering. It is hard to hear and read countless number of stories being told over the last 48 hours.  Stories from his former players and coaches, friends, politicians, even President Obama released a statement about the death of Dean Smith. But there seems be a lot of common thoughts and memories that are being reflected on, and that is of humbleness.  I had the privilege to have met Coach Smith several times, through his basketball camps and then at a few Ram’s clubs events throughout my childhood. And each time that I got to spend, even just a few minutes with him, he made me feel that I was the only one there. He asked me questions about my family, my interests, my goals in life. And then he gave advice, the advice that any coach would give, study hard, do your best and give your all.

As a kid, Coach Smith was bigger than life. I remember watching him walk the sidelines, teaching his players and encouraging them. These are all things that I hope that I learned through his camps, reading his books, hearing stories and meeting Coach, that I’ve been able to translate into my career. When I refer to my team, it is always “We”, even if I did the work, because we are a team first. If someone on my team makes a mistake, I wait and meet with them privately and we discuss it and discuss how we avoid making the same mistake again. Say thank you to the those that help you most. But one thing that really stands out, do what is right. It is pretty basic actually and for a man that did not want to be in the lime light, today he is and he is being remembered mostly, not for the Wins and Loses, but how he lived his life.

“On what it means that today is more about the person that smith was than his win total: “It means he did it. He was successful. sitting at the cafeteria counter was more important than wins and losses… It means he won.”  Roy Williams, UNC Basketball Coach

 

As I sit and watch this clip, I am immediately taken back to my childhood. As I read stories from Adam Lucas’s post “The Stories Are True“, I can not help be sad. When you read stories about Dean Smith recruiting Charlie Scott, when you read stories about he and the minister taking Charlie to eat to break down the race barriers, when you read that he went to almost everyone of his former players weddings and how he was the father that many of these young mean never had. When you read these stories, how can you not be sad? Coach was a good man. And God just got one helluva basketball coach.

Press Conference from current UNC Basketball Coach Roy Williams.

I will close with two thoughts:

1) Matthew 25:23 – “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

2)  Coach, tonight it is all about you. You gave to others, as though few ever got to see. You gave of your time and of your heart and you changed lives. Tonight Coach, sleep easy and take comfort in knowing that you were loved by millions.

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It was 6 years ago today that my mother in law was killed in a car accident and it seems just like yesterday. There are so many things about that day that I’ll never be able to forget.

  • Getting the call from my father in law after lunch.
  • Having to tell my wife of 3 months that her mom, her best friend was dead.
  • Calling my mom, because she and my mother in law were close. But because I also needed support.
  • Hearing from a close friend that is a psychologist, that life doesn’t return to “normal” for at least 5 years and he was right on that.
  • Knowing that one of the things we loved the most, snow, was the factor in her death.
  • Driving 40 miles in snow at a snails pace, just to get my wife to her dad.
  • The outpouring of friends and family at a time that when we needed them the most.

6 years later and the pain is still there. 6 years later and even though it hurts less than last year, it still hurts. It hurts knowing that she’ll never see my boys, play with them, and love them. It hurt like hell yesterday hearing Baby A call my father in law’s girlfriend Grandma for the first time. He doesn’t know and understand, he just knows that there should be a Grandma if there is a Grandpa.

Today, I remember the laughs, the smiles, the hugs. I remember the long talks about life and future plans and what our family will do and where we will go. I remember that I could always try out a new joke and would immediately know if it was a hit or not by how far she would spit the drink in your mouth. I remember her looking down at your watch as we walked into church late. I will remember that last lunch, how I wish we had spent more time with her that day.

6 years really seems like a long time.

I love and miss you Moms. I know that you are watching down on us and I know that you are smiling down at your grandsons. Oh how you would have loved spoiling them.

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Today the news broke that Stuart Scott, at the age of 49 and a long time ESPN announcer, lost his battle with cancer. As any sports fan, father and human being, the news stung. Growing up, I watched Stuart Scott everyday on ESPN and watched him because not only the one liners, but his human approach to stories.  Sure his catch phrases “As cool as the other side of the pillow” were used on a regular basis, he was more than just a sports announcer, he was also a father.

I was fortunate to have met Stuart years ago and by that, I mean at least 12 + years ago when he was at a celebrity golf tournament. What struck me about him the most, was that it wasn’t just the fans that wanted to talk with him, but other celebrities wanted his time too. He was personable and felt like you were talking with a friend. And I only spoke with him for a few minutes, but when I did, we talked about UNC, where he graduated and where I grew up following and loving as a fan. He beamed when talking about UNC basketball and his thoughts for the upcoming year. And as it was his time to tee up, he shook my hand and thanked me for talking about UNC, a place he loved.

Today, as many have done, I’ve watched Stuart’s ESPY video and recounted the his words, because they ring so very true:

“When you die it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”

We are all defined in how we choose to live our lives and when advisory hits, you can either give up or fight and that is what Stuart Scott did, he fault cancer and he fault for his family.


And as friends of Stuart’s pour out their hearts and emotions on Twitter, Facebook and other social media outlets, it was Rich Eisen’s emotional farewell to his friend that was the hardest for me.


The reality is this, at some point in time, we will all be faced with the fact that someone we love or us for that matter, will be faced with Cancer. It is just a fact. So tonight, in  honor of Stuart Scott, I’ll be making a donation to the Jimmy V Foundation, the same foundation that was started by and in honor of Jimmy Valvano, head coach of NC State University, but also who awarded Stuart the award last year. It is my hope and prayer that through the research that the Jimmy V Foundation is currently doing, that one day, Cancer will be a word that is no longer used and that no more lives are lost to.

Tonight, Stuart, as I say a prayer for you and more importantly your young daughters and your family, I will ask God for peace and strength for them. That they may remember the positives and remember the lives that he touched. And tonight, I’ll turn my pillow over to the cool side in your honor. Sleep easy tonight Stuart.

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