August 2016

I am not ready for this. My boys are growing up right in front of my eyes.

I feel like it was yesterday that they were being handed to me for the first time. That I was putting diapers on them for the first time. That I was feeding them. That I was bathing them oh so very gently.

Now, my boys start kindergarten next week. They will ride the bus. I’m going to let a stranger drive my sons. I am not ready for this.

I am not ready to see my little boys grow up. Heck, one of the boys kissed a girl on the forehead last night, because she is his “girlfriend”. Time is flying before my eyes. They are able to help me cook and are much further along than I was at the age of 30. They know how to make bread, grill, smoke bacon and the list goes on and on. But come next week, our lives transition again.

And as much as I try to tell myself that I’m ready for this, I am not!

My little boys are growing up. They are learning and absorbing every day. They are taking everything in and come next week, they start school and I am just not ready for this. It isn’t the same for them as it was when I started school. When I was in Kindergarten, we had tornado drills and bomb drills (yes I am old), but they will have to deal with active shooter drills. They will be faced with so many more things than I ever was.

And after we took the boys to look at their rooms last night and meet their teachers, I just realized that I am not ready for this. I am not ready to let them out of a safe bubble. But the reality is that I have to let go, to a point. They are growing up. They are becoming big boys. They are growing up.

I guess I have to be ok with this?

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Today marks a new day. Today is the first day of a new start. A new beginning to the future.

I went to work with a full meal that we had planned over the weekend, so I had a healthy lunch and not junk. My wife and I worked out when I got home. Granted, I’m fighting a sinus infection, so I was limited and really felt like crap. I’ll go home today and work out again, even though I still feel like crap.

I’m down 3.4 lbs since yesterday and yes, I’m aware that it isn’t healthy and nor is it good to look everyday at your weight.

But more importantly, my wife and I had a great conversation about our future. We have a plan for debt. We have a plan for continued weight loss. We have a plan for our future and for the first time, I feel that we are really on the same page.

Today is a new day!

 

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Broken heart and broken dreams and a broken soul, just a few of the feelings that I had this weekend. But I think that in the course of a few hours of feeling as though I had hit rock bottom, that I went from feeling at the lowest of the lows, I felt as though I started to be rebuilt.

After a long talk with my wife Sunday morning, for the first time in almost 8 years of marriage, I felt as though I could take away from some of the “weight” that I had to always carry on my shoulders. I felt as though we were finally on the same page of working together on fiances. I felt as though we had a solid understanding and plan.

And in a quick conversation that actually started about one thing, but transitioned into something completely different. But I guess I needed to share my feelings, my concerns, my frustrations and felt amazing after we talked. For the first time, we had a plan. For the first time, that feeling of being broken and defeated, was not there. I felt that I could take a deep breath and relax and be ok with somethings.

My point to this blog, is that I want my kids to know that they are going through times where they feel broken and defeated, but it is how you respond to that feeling that will determine the outcome. For me, I internalized everything and only shared my frustrations with 2 people and that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t fair to my wife. I didn’t take my frustrations over the years out on her, I just did what I had to do to keep us a float.

But today, as I sit at work, I’m not stressed about money. I mean, I am and will always be to a point, but for the first time, I feel as though I have someone helping me to get us to a point where our future will be much brighter. I want to be able to send my kids to school and have them come out debt free. I want to teach my kids the importance of being fiscally responsible. And it is so easy to just want something and pay for it later. We’ve all done it and some more than others. And in by no means, are we at a point that we are in trouble financially, but we need to be smarter with our money and will be smarter with our money going forward.

We have a plan. We are going to hold each other accountable. We are going to be responsible and plan out certain purchases, instead of just doing it today and putting it on the card.

Yesterday, I felt like I was broken and destroyed. Today, I feel that there is a hope and brighter outlook. Today, will start a new day on many fronts. Financial, emotional and physical.

Stayed tuned.

 

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I’ve found recently, that I’ve been craving silence more and more lately. Silence from distractions. Silence from conversation. Silence from everything.

My typical day is this:
– Up by 5:30 & shower and get ready for work.
– Get the boys ready, fed, ready for daycare.
– Leave by 6:45 for work, which takes an hour and a half.
– Work from 8:30 – 5pm in a very busy field.
– Another hour and a half to drive back home.
– As soon as I walk in, I’m back into Dad mode with cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids.

Silence is something that I’ve needed more and more lately. And even though I spend 3 hours a day driving to and from work, I’m often talking with family and friends. I catch up with my mom about how she is doing and then talk with my father about our family farm. And sometimes, I have work calls.

Often times the sound of silence can be deafening, but also welcomed. I look forward to those moments that I can relax and take a break and just sit in silence. So I took a break from writing, because I need to clear my head and take a break from all the noise in my life. But I hope that I can start writing more. It is something that I’m not very good at, but something that I can use as an outlet of life.

And at some point, I hope that these posts give my kids insight into what my life was like, raising them.

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