March 2016

There are songs that you can sing along to and there are songs that will stop you in your tracks and bring you to place of being able to 100% with the song and the musician.  The first time that I heard the song “Before these walls were blue” by Wade Bowen, I literally had to sit down and just listen.

This past week, our lives have been flipped upside down with trying to prepare for a move. We’ve been packing, trying to line up painters and new carpet, and oh right, plan a birthday for the boys. But Sunday night, I just knew that Boy A was going to have a night terror and I was ok with knowing that I was going to be able to rock him for a few hours that night, because I needed the comfort of protecting him, as much as he needed the comfort of me rocking him to sleep.

As we approached hour two of our rocking, this song came to mind and here is one of the verses and the chorus and then take a listen:

Well I remember sitting there in that old rocker
Reading, trying to get you back to sleep.
Well I’d find myself, laughing at you laughin’
Wishing the hands of time that I could cheat

Yeah I thought that I knew love
Turns out I didn’t have a clue
Before these walls were blue.

As we rocked, I couldn’t believe how time had flown by and all that I wanted to do was slow down time and keep my boys little, just for a few more years. The day that I found out that we were having twins, my head was sent into a whirlwind and I felt so many different emotions, none of which were probably logical or realistic. But as we got closer to the delivery date, the more real things became. But the one emotion that I couldn’t quite grasp, was how could I love these two little boys unconditionally and so completely?

Yeah I thought that I knew love
Turns out I didn’t have a clue
Before these walls were blue.

I had no clue about love, even after they put my sons in my arms. I thought that I had figured out the world, the only thing that I figured out was that I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, but that I had to figure it out pretty quickly. And that is what I’ve tried to do.

Sure, I’ve made mistakes as a parent. I wish that I could go back and do things over. But the one thing that I realize day after day, before the walls in the boys room were painted blue, I had no concept of love. And as my boys grow up, they are doing more on their own and need my help, less and less, so as I seem them learning new things or handling things on their own, I just wish that the hands of time would slow down a little bit, so that I can continue to take it all in.

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Life isn’t always about doing what is best, but it is about doing what’s right.

I was trained to make decisions and trust my gut instinct and sometimes it is hard, but sometimes, you just have to know that what you are deciding is right and when it comes to your kids, I think that it is even harder. And without going into a lot of details, I had to make a very hard decision for our family this past Friday night.

The decision wasn’t a hard one to make, but it is what’s right for my family and in the coming weeks, we will be moving to a new house and in a new town. The decision to move was easy, it was all of the other factors, longer commute, leaving our church, leaving the first house that the boys grew up in and the only house that they know as their home, but the reasons that we are leaving outweighed all of those factors.

I had a long talk Friday morning with my Godfather and he let me talk through the pros and cons and when we were finished, he paused and simply said “you know the right thing to do. It might not be what you want to do, but it what’s right for your boys.” And he is right. So, in the next few weeks, we’ll embark on a new change, a change that will cause some stress and longer commutes and things like that, but in the end, it will be for the better for the boys and that is what it is all about.

I’ve realized that being a parent isn’t about what is best for me, but it’s what’s right for my boys.

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My wife and I really don’t get much time off from being parents, so this past weekend we took advantage of a quick weekend get away to NYC.  Being able to get a weekend away is or has at least been virtually impossible. So when given the opportunity, we had to jump at the chance.

So, while the kids stayed and played with my mom, my wife and I took in a Broadway show, visited the World Trade Center Museum and ate really well! But the highlight, might have been the 9th annual Texas Independence Day concert! Well, that and getting to sleep in for a few days.

Being a father is the most rewarding job that I’ve ever had, but before I was a dad, I was also a husband, friend, etc. and some times we lose focus of those things when kids come into the picture. One of the things that my wife and I usually so, when we do get a night off, is that we are going to focus on us as a couple and spend more time together. The reality is, that in that moment, is sounds nice, but then life gets in the way and we don’t do a very good job of sticking to it.

But this time, while we were talking on the way home yesterday, the conversation was different. This time, it wasn’t, we will try to spend more time together and try to do better, it was we will do better. It is just as important to get away and regroup, as it is to reconnect as a couple. Did I miss my boys? More than anything. I would text my mom on a regular basis, just to check in on them. But by Saturday, I realized, that I needed to focus on the time that we had together and not what was going on at home.

So a quick trip to NYC, some really great food and a lot of fun at the concert. But the time that my wife and I had together, reconnecting, was even better.

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Piglet: ’’How do you spell ’love’?’’ Pooh: ’’You don’t spell it…you feel it.’’ – Winnie The Pooh

The day before my boys were born, I don’t think that I could put into words, what love really is to me? I don’t think that I could describe correctly and maybe I still can’t today, but the day that I was handed my boys, there was a feeling that came over me that I can’t describe. It was love.

I’ve been asked by a lot of new fathers and several that I know that were having twins, “what is like to have twins?” And I usually smile and say something to the effect, “I never knew how much fun being a dad could be!”

Being a dad is a lot of hard work. There is a fine balance between having fun and having to discipline your kids. But at the end of the day, I love my boys more than anything else in this world. And I don’t know that prior to being a dad, that I loved anyone or anything as much as I do my kids.

As I read the quote from Winnie The Pooh over and over again today, I thought about my sons. I thought about how much joy they have brought me over the years. I thought about how they light up when they figure something out or do something on their own. I love how they are wanting to help me grill or want to watch a UNC game. There is no greater feeling that being a dad and the love that I have for my sons, I can never put into words, because it is something that I could say or spell, but something that I feel.

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