Death

Being a parent isn’t always easy, but at the sometime, being a child isn’t either and I say that, because I am both. I am a parent to my awesome kids, but I also am a child to my parents.

Yesterday was just one of those days, it was just a day mixed with emotions. I had to say goodbye to a good friend over the weekend, as he and his wife decided to split up & though he and I will remain in contact, it is hard knowing that I’ll only see him a few more times.  I had a former boss, who was a mentor and even better friend to me pass away over the weekend and his funeral was yesterday and I wasn’t able to attend. And then to top it all off, my Dad texted me that my cousins husband had committed suicide. So we are talking about a lot of serious things here, but we are also talking about life.

Life is hard. As parents, we want to protect our kids from life. We want to shelter and try to protect them from the dangers and evils that lurk out there. As child, we want our independence and freedom to test the water and see what we can and can not do. My Dad asked me last night how I would have handled letting my kids (it was a hypothetical) know about my friend’s death? I didn’t know? I haven’t been forced to share with them about life and death.  I haven’t had to do it, I know that I will soon. I know that I will have to tell them about their grandmother who was killed in a car accident, well before they were born. And then I’ll have to tell them what an amazing person that she was and how much she would have loved them and would have wanted to play and spend time with them.

As adults, we have challenges everyday. We have bills to pay. Stresses of finances, marriage, and everything else that could be thought of. But it is how we handle it, that separates us.

To my buddy that is separating from his wife. I am sorry. I am sorry that you were faced with that decision. I am sorry that things didn’t work out and that you’ve had to make this decision.

To my cousin, who’s husband committed suicide. I am truly sorry. No parent should ever have to tell their child that their spouse took their own life. There were demons there with him and he struggled for years, but there were other options. But to my cousin, I am sorry for your loss.

And to my friend that past away. You have made an impression on my life, that will never go away. You taught and shared words of encouragement, when I really needed them. You showed me the importance of leadership and how to be firm, but more importantly fair with people.

Life. Life is a thing that isn’t explained. Today, we have. Right now, we have. But life, it is how we choose to live it. And that is what I hope to leave my children with. That living life everyday to the fullest is one of the most important things that they can do. Live for today. Live for right now. Live for family and friends.

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I don’t do this very often, so I apologize but this morning, I just felt that I needed to blog about this. Facebook can be a wonderful tool. But it can also be a way to keep in touch with friends and old classmates that you haven’t seen or talked with in years.

Two nights ago I saw a lot of facebook statuses asking prayers for a girl named Melissa. Based on which friends were posting these updates, I wasn’t exactly sure who Melissa was? My high school was not that big, but we had a decent class size. Well, last night I found out which Melissa everyone was praying for and why.

She was a mother of 6. That is right, 6 kids ranging from 16 to 2. But two nights ago after a family dinner, she was in a car accident with her husband and children and she sustained injuries that left her dead. 6 kids. A husband. Parents and friends are all left asking why?

I am not going to lie, I don’t remember Melissa. She was a year behind me and if she did not play sports, I probably spoke in the hallways and that was it. But today, we have something in common. We have little kids. And the thought of her husband having to explain death to their children breaks my heart.

So today, if you believe or pray, could you say a little prayer for Melissa and her family? Her family has a long and hurtful road ahead of them and they need all the help that they can get.

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it is about 11pm and I am sitting out on the porch at the beach, doing a little star gazing. And I wonder if the stars got a little brighter tonight?

I got a call around 7pm from my Godfather, but since I was putting the boys to bed, I had to let the  call goto voice mail.  This was not our usual call about the Yankees, politics, UNC basketball or the boys.  This was a call to let me know that this brother in law, a man that I have known my whole life, was caught if a rip current today and died.

After hours of phone tag and text messages, I just got word that George passed away.  I can’t sleep.  I mourn for BJ & the boys.  I mourn for my Godfather tonight. I remember George being larger than life.  I just saw BJ a few months ago.  This doesn’t seem real.

So tonigtt, I say a prayer for the family and for Geoger’s soul.  I pray that BJ is strong through this and is comforted by those around her.

And tonight, as I rock, looking at the ocean and listening to the waves crash & watching distant lightening crashes, I am start gazing and trying to make sense out of something that dowse t make sense.

Tomorrow, I will hug the boys tighter and I will treasure the moment, as that is all that we have.

 

 

 

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On this Good Friday, I am often thinking less about the death of Jesus, but more about the resurrection. The act of selfness that Jesus bore the burdens and sins of Christians and died for us.
In my readings this week, these two verses really hit home with me:

“But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I’ll probably never fully understand. We’re not all going to die— but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it’s over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we’ll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: Death swallowed by triumphant Life! Who got the last word, oh, Death? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now? It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!”
1 Corinthians 15:56, 57 MSG

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
John 14:1-3

I view death two ways: 1) your physical body on earth is no longer and 2) your everlasting life in Heaven begins.

So on this Good Friday, think about what Jesus gave up for you. Think about how he gave the ultimate sacrifice, his life, and think about what you’ve done and given up for others.

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There are things that happen in our lives that we can not explain. There are things that happen in our lives that will stay with us forever and today is that day for me. 5 years ago today, my mother in law was killed in a tragic car accident. There are things about that day that I can tell you about, but a lot of it is a blur, but here are some of the things that I do remember:

  • I remember that it was snowing and had started snowing earlier that morning.
  • I remember getting the phone call from my father in law while I was sitting at work after lunch..
  • I remember listening to Mark Schultz’s Remember Me when the phone rang.
  • I remember sitting back down, putting my head down and crying. Crying for the loss of an amazing person, but crying because I was going to have to go and tell my wife of 3 months that her mother and best friend had just died and it was going to break my wife’s heart. It was going to change her forever.It was going to change us.
  • I remember the 8 miles from my office to my wife’s seemed like 180 miles.
  • I remember calling my wife’s best friend and telling him, as he was a 2nd child to my wife’s parents.
  • I remember not being able to talk for 10 minutes and only being able to cry in front of my wife.
  • I remember my wife asking if we were getting a divorce, because I could not stop crying. That would have been easier I think.
  • I remember the drive from my wife’s office to her Dad’s house seemed like forever.
  • I remember her father coming outside when we got there to hug my wife and myself.
  • I remember a family friend that grabbed me and held me as tight as he could, and I finally got to grieve for a few minutes.
  • I remember the outpouring of people that came to the house that night.
  • I remember waking up after 15 minutes of sleep and having a feeling of calmness come over me.
  • I remember the silence in the house.

Here is the song by Mark Schultz, Remember Me, that I was listening to when I got the call, that Monday afternoon.

Sometimes things do not make sense, especially when death is involved. I can say that after a lot of struggles, my wife and I learned a lot of amazing lessons from this. My wife and I are closer. My wife and I have two amazing little boys. My wife my and I often talk about that day. We talk about what we were doing, we often cry and then  we talk about how much we miss her mom. We talk about how she would be with the boys and how much she would have loved them.

But tonight, I just think that we have to look for the Remembrance of God in the form of sunsets and people. We have to take each moment as it is our last. We have to over use the words “I Love You”, because you never know when it will be the last time that you will use them.

Remember me
When the color of the sunset fills the sky
Remember me
When you pray and the tears of joy
fall from your eyes

I remember and can not, nor will I ever forget. I just hope that when it is my time, that Jesus will Remember Me.  And I hope that one of the first people that I get to see when getting to Heaven, is my mother in law, so I can tell her all about her grandsons.

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Tonight, as you play with your children, put them to bed for the night, hold them a little closer. I found out tonight that a friend from high school’s 13 year old son was tragically killed in an accident yesterday. There are no words that can be said to make up for their loss. There are no words or actions that will bring their son back. And there is no explanation.

We are not promised tomorrow or even the next 10 minutes here on Earth, so treasure each and every minute. As I am sure that my friend would give anything for 5 more minutes with his son. So tonight, as I watched my sons climb up the stairs for bed, I held them a little closer tonight and kissed them a few more times before turning out the lights and saying goodnight.

What would you do differently tonight, if tonight was your last night on Earth or your children’s last night? Would you play longer with them? Would you hold them closer and tell them how much you love them a few more times?

Tonight, my heart breaks for a family, that would give anything for one more night with their son.

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I know that I have sometime before I have sit down with the boys and begin explaining death, but I know that some day, it will happen.  I do not remember when my parents sat me down to explain it to me, but I would have to guess that it was when I was in the 2nd grade and the day that my grandfather died. I remember a lot about that day. Standing in the hall way, talking with the school principal, waiting for my mother to collect her things at school so that we could leave.  And I remember my father being at school as well, which was strange because my mother was a teacher and she brought me to school every day.

Over the last 5 years, my wife and I have both lost several close people in our lives, grandparents, friends, cousins, and my wife’s mother.  I know that as the boys grow older, they will have questions. Questions about who people where and more importantly, why they aren’t here now and if they are like me, they will ask the really hard question, where are they if they aren’t here?

On a trip before the boys were born, I started to bring this topic up with my wife and how we wanted to explain death to the boys and she reminded me of her educational background and a book that she had read when she was in grad school called The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story Of Life For All Ages.  She read me this book a few weeks later and even though it made sense, I still cringed at the thought of explaining death to the boys. But there are a few things that I hope that I am able to explain and share with the boys:

  • death is both tragic and difficult to understand sometimes, especially when it is a tragic and sudden loss.
  • it is part of life and life will go on.
  • it is ok to cry when you have lost someone that you loved.
  • hopefully, one day you will see your loved one again.

I know that when the boys get older, they will have questions about their grandmother, or their great grandparents and I just hope that I can explain to them what great people that they were and that one day, they will get to see and meet those that have gone before them in Heaven.

 

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