Life

Such an easy thing to say, I am sorry, yet it is something that I think that a lot of father’s fail to say to their kids.

This past week, I had dealt with some issues at work, my wife’s car accident (that in and of it’s self will be a future blog post), knowing that my grandfather is dying, etc. and I’m not going to lie, I really struggled. I really struggled doing and saying the right thing because I wasn’t able to rest and I wasn’t able to deal, I was just going through motions.

So this week as I was putting the boys to bed, I was exhausted and I had zero patience for any messing around. And of course, that was the night that as I put the boys to bed, Boy A was ready to struggle. He whined, he cried, he fussed, etc and I had no patience for it and I got on him. I raised my voice and told him to knock it off.

So, why do I write this about say I am sorry? Easy, two weeks ago, my father for one of the first times told me that he was sorry. The words “I am sorry” came out of his mouth because I said that in my 41 years of my life, he had only cried in front of me 5 times and that he had told me that it was wrong to cry. But this time, he had a different story to tell. This time, he admitted, it was ok to cry. He said it was ok to say the words “I am sorry”.

My wife came up that night, as she could tell that I was loosing control and losing it quickly. She came up, laid down with our son, Boy A and got him to sleep. As she was rubbing his back, she was rubbing mine, as she knew that EVERYTHING from the previous weeks was coming to a head for me. But she also realized that I needed a break.

As I gathered my things after both boys were asleep that night, I said the following words “I am sorry” in my son’s ears. But that wasn’t enough. See, that was enough for me to go to sleep, but that was not enough for me to make amends. Growing, I was on the other side. I was the one going to sleep upset. I was the one going to bed being yelled at.  I said what I needed to, knowing that in the morning, I needed to say more.

This is what separates me from my Dad and it is not a negative against him at all, but is more what I have realized that I needed to do as a father, learning from his mistakes. So as my son, Boy A, woke up this morning, I grabbed him and hugged him as tightly as I could and whispered that I was sorry and we hugged.

I was wrong. I was wrong on so many differently levels. I was wrong because I took out on my son, my frustrations of life because he didn’t goto bed as quickly as I thought he should.  And the key phrase there is “I thought”. I thought that he should goto bed as soon as we were done our nightly routine. I thought that he should goto bed as soon as I was ready to goto bed.

But what I realized was, he wasn’t ready and I was wrong because I didn’t give him the opportunity to decompress for the day. I did not ask all the questions that he had for the day or all the different questions he had for the day. And what I realized as I left their room, was that was how I felt as a kid.

AND I WAS WRONG!

No, I WAS SORRY!

I was sorry for every making my sons feel the way that I did. I was sorry for dismissing their questions and needs, because I was tired and frustrated and wanted a glass of wine. I was wrong! But I made it right. I explained to both of them where I was wrong in my ways. I explained that I should have had more patience. And I encouraged both of them that when it is time for them to be father’s, to be a better Dad, than I am to them.

Does that mean that they will not fail? Nope. They will. Does that mean that they will not have to use the phrase, “I am sorry?” Nope, because, they will.  But if they can learn from me, if they can learn from my mistakes, if they can see that I tried to be the best dad that I could for him and still had short comings, then it gives them something better to strive for.

So to my sons, I am sorry. I have tried to be the best Dad that I can and will continue to do so. But, I will make mistakes. I will fail. But, I will say I am sorry, because, I will be.

 

 

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Perspective is the word of the day. And let me frame it up in a different way, often times we look at things in one way, but in reality, when we step back, we have a different point of view or way that we look at something. Perspective!

Yesterday before walking into a meeting, my wife called to let me know that she was heading to pickup the kids and just left the office. Maybe, 15-20 minutes later, my phone rang, I just had a feeling that this was not going to be good. I knew that it was rainy. I knew that the road that she was traveling on is congested. I just had a bad feeling and I was right.

So as I hurried out of the office and on the way to where my wife was on the side of the road, because she had been rear ended, every possible thought that I could have had, I did. I knew that she was ok and not hurt, I knew that she was upset and I knew that her van was more than likely totaled. But here comes that moment of perspective, cars can be replaced, people can not. Our boys were not with her, they would have been hurt and possibly pretty badly.

After dealing with some emotional components to this, i.e. my wife’s mother was killed exactly 50 miles north of where we stood on the side of the road. Looking at what was the back windshield and seeing all of the glass shattered throughout the back. Seeing how the front of the van was pushed in, because the force of the impact of where my wife was rear ended and then being pushed about 2 car links into the car in front of her and the damage that was done.

Waiting for my wife to be checked out last night for either a concussion or whiplash. Seeing how she was moving slowly and already getting sore and tense. Making the call to USAA last night to start the claims process. Waking up to a 7:30 call from the car rental, asking what time we would arrive. Realizing this morning, that we had paid about 6 months off of the car loan and that we were at about a year and 8 months before it being paid off and then I was going to get something new and then realizing, I wasn’t.

Perspective is when thinking logically through each and every one of those things and knowing that the days/weeks and maybe month ahead will be stressful. Knowing that we now have to buy a new car and that really wasn’t in the budget, at all. Life doesn’t always work the way that we have planned. But, it could have been a lot worse. Perspective. Perspective sometimes takes a little while, maybe even days before it is realized, but I am just thankful and grateful.

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The struggle is real or at least, it has been the last few weeks. We have come to the final home stretch of Kindergarten and by all accounts, the boys have exceeded their first year’s grade level expectations by a lot. And, we all survived, which is also important!

I have noticed though that in the last few weeks, Boy B has struggled with a few classes and some of the changes in his schedule. I remember a long time ago, when I was in school, the last few weeks bothered me because of the lack of structure. So the struggle is real with him and the lack of structure of the day and it has reflected in his daily behavior sheets at school.

Speaking of no structure, today was Field Day for the boys and as I made my way onto the campus at school, I stopped for a moment to watch at how far my sons have come in the last year. And the struggle is real for me, as much as it is for them. You see, we all have grown, we all have changed, but we made it. We worked through the changes together and had a lot of talks, but we made it through their Kindergarten year.

So Dad’s, as you embrace your child’s 1st real formal school year, the struggle is real, but you will make it. You will be ok and your children will be ok too. Be there for them. Help them when they have struggles, but let them make mistakes. The struggle is real.

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How often do you walk around saying that today is a good day? Probably not often, if you are really honest with yourself. But, I heard someone say it this past week at work and it totally changed my day.

This past Wednesday was a BAD day and it started before leaving the house. My wife asked me a question that frustrated me and it was not as much the question as it was the timing of the question, as I was trying to walk out the door. My commute, though is only 50 miles and on most days, takes over an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes, took closer to two hours. I walked straight into my first meeting and was in meetings the rest of the entire day. ALL DAY!

As with anyone in a management role, especially in the IT world, they know that there are personal issues and technology issues all the time. And this was one of those days, that while in meetings, I had multiple texts about outages, a down server, etc. And I had a personal matter that was pulling me out of the meeting as well. And, if that wasn’t enough, my wife called in tears because of something going on.

As I wrapped up my day and ended my last meeting, I was beat down and frustrated. I loaded up my bag and was getting ready to head to my Jeep and looked at the map for traffic, and it was going to be another hour and a half commute home. I was beat and I was done for the day. I just wanted to get home, hug the kids and rest for a little bit.

And as I was walking through the hall of the hospital on the way to me jeep, I was on my phone texting with a friend and not really paying attention and then I heard children laughing. And then I looked up and saw a father pulling a wagon with 2 kids on the side of the wagon holding hands with a little girl who was sitting up and enjoying her ride. And I noticed that the mom was pulling the child’s IV pole and wiping away tears, but it was in that moment, the father turned and looked at his wife and said “Today is a good day!”

WOW! I literally stopped in the hallway and was completely speechless. Here is a dad, pulling his sick daughter through the hallway of the hospital, who is obviously sick and all he could do was focus on the good and positive, because they probably have gone through a lot of really hard times too. In just a brief 10 second moment, I got to see that everything that I saw and went through that day, did not even come close to what this father was going through and dealing with.

What had been a hard and very frustrating day, I was able to see that even in the hardest days, the hardest moments and the hardest times, that today is a good day. I truly believe, that God was tapping me on the head and saying, pay attention, your life could be a lot harder. And for that, I am truly grateful.

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Ok, I quit is a strong phrase, maybe it should be I am making a change?

Regardless, it is time to make some changes in my life and the first is to cut out alcohol. And I’m making the change for a many and one reasons, and these are in no particular order:

  • Health reasons – weight, sleep better, liver needs a break, etc.
  • Cost – I drink good wine and expensive craft beer
  • Habit forming – I didn’t like that I have started walking in and grabbing a beer.
  • I want to do everything that I can to be here for as long as I can for my kids
  • And I didn’t like who it was making me.

Now, for the record, I was not drinking to excess, but I was having more than I should. And I didn’t like the fact that it was making me sluggish and I wasn’t just having one in a sitting. So, it is time.

So today, instead of drinking 2 – 3 beers tonight, I’ll have 1. And then, I’ll goto 1 every other day. And just work it down. Does that mean that I will quit drinking beer and wine forever? No, I love to cook with both and I really do love the taste of a good glass of wine or a cold beer. But for today, today I need this. Today, I need to share with others and need to have someone that will help me stay focused on this and today, I quit. Today, I start a new day and  a new direction with a new focus. And as a bonus, I should be able to pocket about $200 + a month that was being spent on alcohol and shift that to paying down debt faster too!

So better heath, saving money, being a better dad all just seem to make this decision such a no brainer.

Today, I QUIT!

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It was bound to happen. At some point, I knew that I would have to deal with this, but was hoping that it wasn’t going to be on this past Friday night and I was certainly hoping that it wasn’t going to be with one of the boys, but it did.  I had been testing fate for entirely too long!

This past Friday night, my wife and I decided to split the kids and we would each have some one on one time with the boys. I took Boy A and we went off to the city for dinner. And I just had this funny feeling on the drive down, something was going to happen, in fact, I even packed extra snacks for my son, just in case.

And after we went and had some fun, we got back in the jeep and nothing happened. I tried to start my jeep and it wouldn’t crank. I tried again, nothing. Ever since we moved and my commute increased, I had been testing fate on having my jeep break down. I knew it. But what was I going to do?

So there, we sat. I felt defeated, not because I had car problems, but because my son was with me. I had no choice but to remain calm, call AAA and then my wife and wait. Wait for what seemed like forever, but was really less than an hour. Wait and play games, talk, laugh and thank goodness, there was a restaurant where we were, so we could go and eat.

But I had been testing fate entirely too long though. My jeep has over 195k miles on it, though still in good condition, it is getting some serious wear and tear on it. And financially, we just aren’t in the position to buy something new yet for me. We are trying to pay off our debt and we are beyond focused and intense on getting that done and a new vehicle just isn’t in the mix right now.

So, I am sitting and waiting, working at home today, checking my phone and waiting on my mechanic to call me back with the news. Hoping it is just a starter. Hoping that the issue with the transmission is minor too. Hoping that these fixes don’t set us back financially too much and stir us off our course of financial freedom.

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Broken heart and broken dreams and a broken soul, just a few of the feelings that I had this weekend. But I think that in the course of a few hours of feeling as though I had hit rock bottom, that I went from feeling at the lowest of the lows, I felt as though I started to be rebuilt.

After a long talk with my wife Sunday morning, for the first time in almost 8 years of marriage, I felt as though I could take away from some of the “weight” that I had to always carry on my shoulders. I felt as though we were finally on the same page of working together on fiances. I felt as though we had a solid understanding and plan.

And in a quick conversation that actually started about one thing, but transitioned into something completely different. But I guess I needed to share my feelings, my concerns, my frustrations and felt amazing after we talked. For the first time, we had a plan. For the first time, that feeling of being broken and defeated, was not there. I felt that I could take a deep breath and relax and be ok with somethings.

My point to this blog, is that I want my kids to know that they are going through times where they feel broken and defeated, but it is how you respond to that feeling that will determine the outcome. For me, I internalized everything and only shared my frustrations with 2 people and that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t fair to my wife. I didn’t take my frustrations over the years out on her, I just did what I had to do to keep us a float.

But today, as I sit at work, I’m not stressed about money. I mean, I am and will always be to a point, but for the first time, I feel as though I have someone helping me to get us to a point where our future will be much brighter. I want to be able to send my kids to school and have them come out debt free. I want to teach my kids the importance of being fiscally responsible. And it is so easy to just want something and pay for it later. We’ve all done it and some more than others. And in by no means, are we at a point that we are in trouble financially, but we need to be smarter with our money and will be smarter with our money going forward.

We have a plan. We are going to hold each other accountable. We are going to be responsible and plan out certain purchases, instead of just doing it today and putting it on the card.

Yesterday, I felt like I was broken and destroyed. Today, I feel that there is a hope and brighter outlook. Today, will start a new day on many fronts. Financial, emotional and physical.

Stayed tuned.

 

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I’ve found recently, that I’ve been craving silence more and more lately. Silence from distractions. Silence from conversation. Silence from everything.

My typical day is this:
– Up by 5:30 & shower and get ready for work.
– Get the boys ready, fed, ready for daycare.
– Leave by 6:45 for work, which takes an hour and a half.
– Work from 8:30 – 5pm in a very busy field.
– Another hour and a half to drive back home.
– As soon as I walk in, I’m back into Dad mode with cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids.

Silence is something that I’ve needed more and more lately. And even though I spend 3 hours a day driving to and from work, I’m often talking with family and friends. I catch up with my mom about how she is doing and then talk with my father about our family farm. And sometimes, I have work calls.

Often times the sound of silence can be deafening, but also welcomed. I look forward to those moments that I can relax and take a break and just sit in silence. So I took a break from writing, because I need to clear my head and take a break from all the noise in my life. But I hope that I can start writing more. It is something that I’m not very good at, but something that I can use as an outlet of life.

And at some point, I hope that these posts give my kids insight into what my life was like, raising them.

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Life sometimes gets in the way of things, like blogging.  Life can sometimes get in the way of things that we enjoy too.

The last few weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a fog of sorts. I’ve felt like there is a lot of noise from the political world, the work, home, etc. And I just haven’t been mentality able to sit down and write out a blog.

I feel like in someways, being a parent in this day and time is really hard. Cost of living is going higher each and every year. More dangers for our kids. More pressures at school and from the education side.

Life can be a struggle. But I think at the end of the day, it is really how we handle it. How we face these challenges. What we do to change the world to be a better place.

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Life has it’s ups and downs. Exciting times and struggles.

We had a wonderful weekend celebrating my birthday and my son’s birthdays, which was exciting. The boys got their first bikes and found out that we are taking them to Disney in the coming weeks.

But the flip to that, is that I found out that a good friend was diagnosed with Leukemia. My commute was long. And my first day back in almost a week, has gone less than stellar. Just one bump after another and apparently there was a rumor in a different department, that I had quit.

So, it hasn’t been the ideal day, but that is life. Life is about not the obstacles that we are faced with, but how we choose to respond and deal with them.

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