Life

It is truly hard for me to say this, but I made a mistake recently in my career and though it is not the end of the world, it comes with a price.

Now, what could be so bad to admit that I had made a mistake? Simply put, I should not have changed jobs. Or at least, I should have held out for a different one. But there were reasons why I changed when I did and why I went with this role. I went in thinking that this was a good fit, but the reality is very simple, it is not the best fit.

Having worked for the last 11 years with the same organization, I felt that it was time to change but in reality, it just was not the change that I needed to make. So I have been in contact with other organizations and hope to turn this mistake into a positive change.

Today, I am grateful for the decision that I made and the opportunity to learn from my mistake, but at the same time, I am ready for a new change. But as I told the boys, mistakes will be made, but the bigger challenge is what can be learned from the mistakes?

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I had a moment last night of breaking down and I realized, that it is ok to be sad. Strange right? That we have to give ourselves permission to be sad.

This past year has been hard, painfully hard. As a family, we have dealt with the loss of family members, my wife has had multiple surgeries now and right, a pandemic. And we are still living through the pandemic, a year later.

I had a little bit of a meltdown last night. Reality just hit me and hit me really hard. I have not seen my parents in over 14 months. 14 months! Even when I lived in Texas, rarely did I go more than 6 months without seeing them, so this has been a rough year.

As I sat on the kitchen floor, crying, I explained to my wife, that she can see her Dad whenever she wants. I don’t get that luxury. I can not get a hug from my mom and let her tell me that life is going to be alright or not. And I realized in that moment, that it is ok to be sad.

We have been through a lot, but even though we have gone through a lot we are still beyond blessed. We do not know what the future has in store for us, but we will face it together. There will be laughs and a lot of tears in our future.

I am starting to understand more so throughout the days, that it is ok to have grace with ourselves and others and it is ok to be sad too. They do not mutually go hand in hand, but they are both mutually important.

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Our lives over the last few weeks our lives have been centered around this simple thought: Hope & Fear & Uncertainty, and it feels that literally all at the same time. That seems to be our life right now. And the the uncertainty of it all is driving me beyond crazy.

Hope is simply defined as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” Hope, is what we are basing our lives and decisions on now. Hoping for positive test results. Hoping that the brain tumor does not return. Our plan is that we live today as if were our last and that tomorrow we are given another day to try to live the best life that we can.

Fears are defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” Well, there is a lot of pain that has already been caused both physically as well as emotionally and mentality because of the brain tumor. But we are trying not focus on the fear of the unknown. But fears can lead one down a tough path and the loss of focus to important things as well, like focusing on what we have today.

The uncertainty that we face, each and everyday has been tough. Talking with medical providers, both one’s that my wife is under their care or friends that we know. And the answers seem to very. And if anyone does a google search, well we all know how that can go too. But the feeling of uncertainty is real. It is scary. And it is a valid feeling.

All of these feelings are valid, hell, they all interchange at some point in time.

As we have started to transition from the scary feeling of the seizure to brain surgery and the removal of said brain tumor. We now move into “what is next?”

And the answer is simple, we don’t know. No one does.

Does that mean that the tumor will return, well, there is a greater chance that it does than it does not. That is just a fact. And if it does return, there is a greater chance that it comes back as a higher grade brain tumor. But the flip is, there is a chance that the brain tumor does in fact not return.

And in the most simplistic break down possible for our lives.

Hope – that we never mention said brain tumor again.
Fear – that the brain tumor will return and return worse than first discovered.
Uncertainty – what if? What if this brain tumor kills my wife? I still have two young boys, am I ready to be a single dad again? Can I handle it? God forbid, I have to date again.

There is a lot of uncertainty. The unknown is scary as hell. But, we have to plan. We have to plan for today, as well as tomorrow. We have started a To Do list, as my wife hates the phrase Bucket List. There will be big things on it, like a trip post covid to the Grand Canyon, as well as making sure that my wife goes to everyone of my son’s baseball or soccer games.

Our focus has shifted a little to more of the making memories and keeping our son’s lives as normal as possible. And today that is easily done, but in the future, it might not be. But today, we make the most of it. The sun is out, all the snow is melted away and we are focused on spending time together.

Tomorrow, well we can worry about that tomorrow.

Hope & Fears & Uncertainty.

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Sometimes in life, you just have to realize it is not that bad.

I realize that it is a hard concept, especially when things are not going as well as you would like or expect. But in reality, what you are dealing with in that moment, though seems bad to you, in reality is not that bad.

I had this moment of thought this morning while talking with my mom about a person that I grew up with and seeing over the weekend their ramblings on social media. And through these posts, there was a serious cry for help from this person.

At face value, they had an amazing life. Money. Big home. Spouse is a celebrity. But through a series of rambling posts, their life was falling apart and the world was able to read it, one post at a time.

I had been having a pity party this past weekend. More stress from work. More put on me at home. Felt beyond overwhelmed. And as I watched this person’s life, literally unfold in front of my eyes, I realized, what I was dealing with was not that bad.

Was it my stuff and frustrated with my day and circumstances, absolutely, but what I was dealing with was not long term. It was not life changing.

So, as you go through your day today, look around and know that others around you are dealing with things much worse than you are, and that things are not that bad.

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Sometimes, we find ourselves needing a do over or in this case, taking a “Take 2”.

Back in January, so 8 months ago, I took time off from drinking. I felt that I needed to reset myself. I needed to take a break. I wanted to see what it was like, not drinking for the month.

Could I do it? Would it be hard? These were all things that I asked myself, before doing it and during the month. But what I realized, was that it was not bad at all. That even included going out with my wife, when she would have a glass of wine with dinner. And it was ok.

So, it is time to do a “Take 2”.

The last few months have been a struggle for me. And when I mean struggle, I mean, I have not dealt with things very well, work, family, etc. and I turned to beer or wine as a way to escape.

This past week, I realized, enough was enough. I needed another break, but this time, longer than a month. I needed to figure out, why am I drinking to escape these things, instead of dealing with them either A) in a healthier way or B) just dealing with them period.

Work has about killed me. Literally and figuratively speaking. My wife’s schedule has about killed me. Literally and figuratively speaking. We have changed my son’s ADHD medication and well, you get the idea.

But, enough is enough.

I don’t like who I am when I drink. And the last few months, I didn’t stop with the normal 1 or 2. And there is the problem. Before, I could stop, no problem. I could realize where I was with it and control it, this time, I haven’t done that very well.

I have struggled to figure out the balance and I need to be the best father and husband that I can and continuing down this path, was not going to be doing that. I couldn’t be who my family needs me to be, if I’m drinking or at at least, how I was doing it.

So, I’ve started up with trying to identify the triggers in how I am feeling and ready to take this on straight ahead, again. I’ve done it once, I can do this again. But this time, it is different. I feel different. I feel excited, not like dreading it when I did it in January. Sure, I’ve got to share with people that I’m not drinking, when they offer me a beer and that is ok.

Part of this, is being ok with me and right now, I’m happy with the decision that I have made. I’m embarrassed at some of my behavior, but that is something that i have to live with. But, I’m pleased with knowing that the first day, was not bad at all. And let’s be honest, there are more benefits to this than negatives.

  1. Better sleep.
  2. No regrets the next morning.
  3. Showing my kids, that it is ok to mess up, but learning from those mistakes.
  4. Facing issues and tackling them now, before they are truly an issue.
  5. Being who I need to be for my family.

I’m not perfect. Far from it. But on this “Take 2”, I’m looking forward to the positive benefits and this change. I’ll post an update in a few weeks as to how this is going and, the boys preparing for school.

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I tried and failed at my attempt at going back to school. But, with failure, I learned a few things that I hope to share.

I tried. Had I never taken the chance, I would always wondered what it would have been like to goto Graduate School. But, I also learned a lot of values that were more important to me than a piece of paper.

I was told to expect 5 hours a week outside of class for work. I was spending more like, 15 – 20 hours a week total. So, by spending that much time on school work, that meant that I was getting a lot less sleep than I should. Spending a lot less time with my kids and my wife.

I realized on a drive to work one day, that I needed more time with my kids, as they would not always be young and want to spend time with me. And also, in the last few weeks, we had not one, but two deaths in the family within a 26 hour period as well.

Life got in the way, but I tried and failed.

Or did I really fail?

Did I fail if I realized what was really important? Did I fail if I found what I lost? Did I fail if I needed to finally put boundaries on my time and put the importance on my family?

Depends on who you ask and what your definition of failure is. To me, I succeeded.

So, I tried and failed. But in reality, I took a chance and found what mattered more to me, is spending time with my family.

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Well, we made it! We made it to 10 years of marriage and lived to tell about it.

Life hasn’t been always easy, in fact, I think that it was summed up best by our minister when he did our marriage counseling. I’ll never forget him looking at us, holding our hands and taking a deep breath. And then he laughed and reminded us that it was OK to laugh and that we had been through a lot already.

A brief recap of from our first 10 years and this is in no particular order:

  • My wife’s mom was killed in a car accident, 4 months after we got married.
  • We lost both our paternal grandmothers and my wife just lost her maternal grandmother.
  • I lost my grandfather, who I was very close with.
  • I lost a job and got a better job.
  • We struggled for 2 years to have the boys and were finally successful with IVF.
  • Did I mention we tried for 2 years and through that we FAILED a lot.
  • Three car accidents with one being serious.
  • There have been good days and some really hard days.
  • We have struggled financially.
  • Been blessed financially too, as my wife and I both have good jobs.
  • Got a great dog.
  • The boys have succeed at school.
  • One of the boys was diagnosed with ADHD & anxiety disorder.
  • The other boy is a very talented athlete.

So those were just a few of the things that we went through. And many of those, were in the first 2 – 3 years of our marriage. But, through each one of the challenges and successes, we came out stronger together.

To celebrate and I mean that literally celebrate, we went away last weekend, just the two of us. Rented a cabin in the mountains and just relaxed. And it was fun to just reconnect.

Our daily lives are pretty crazy. My wife’s job has unpredictable schedules, which is all that the boys know. But this is our lives. It isn’t always easy, but what marriage is?

This is our first 10 years!  I was quickly reminded of the most used verse used at weddings and it still is true today!

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. –

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)

Now, what do the next 10 years look like?

We have already started planning. Talking about where we want to move next. Our kids and their progress through school. My son’s athletic abilities and where would it be best for him to learn more techniques and sports specific training?

Last weekend, we talked a lot about finances. Where we are and more importantly, where we want to be! There will be a future post on that.

But today, we celebrate!

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Growing up, I was not one of my father’s top priorities. That does not make him a bad person, but a fact is a fact.

I remember begging at times to play catch, throw a football, heck anything so that he would spend time with me. But I was often brushed aside for a work call or something else. I desperately wanted that love and affection from my father and I really wanted his time.

Fast forward to the day that I find out that I was going to have the twins and I looked at my wife and always vowed to our family the top of my priorities. My career was taking off at the time, but I had to find a balance between work and family.

I made a decision to balance work and my family and it is a decision that I have never once regretted. My boys and I laugh and play. We cook together and we play catch nightly. We even have our own secret hand shake.

So why do I share these things? Maybe it is an affirmation that I’m trying my best to be a good father? Maybe it is my letting go of the fact that my father put things in front of me and that I wasn’t a priority for him?

Regardless of the reason, I love being a father. I love that my son’s trust me to ask questions that they will not ask my wife. Perfect example, read the post on The Hardest Part of Life and understand, my wife works in end of life care, not me! I stare at computers all day and think about things to cook when I get home.

Having children is hard, no question about it. Having twins is no different than parents that have multiple children that are different ages, it is just that, the difference of ages. We all struggle. We all try our best to put our kids as our top priority. Sometimes, we fail at this, that is just life.

I know that for me personally, there is no greater feeling that being called Dad. There is nothing more that I look forward to in the morning, than seeing the boys when they first wake up. And after a long commute home, seeing my son waiting for me with our baseball gloves and ball, waiting for me to pull up.

By the time that I get home from work, I am tired. I normally spend 2 hours plus of driving a day, then meetings, emails, etc. I would love to be able to walk in the door and just lay on the sofa and rest. But that isn’t life.

I walk in the house, change clothes and get ready to go and play catch. We talk about their day. We work on fundamentals. We talk about what we are cooking for dinner that night. And more importantly, we laugh and spend time together.

I have friends that do not have kids that talk about taking naps and sleeping in. And some days, I would like to throat punch them. But I would not change this for anything.

So this afternoon, after coming home for a long day at the office, a long commute and drenched in sweet (I don’t have AC in my jeep), I will smile and change clothes and spend at least 30 minutes playing catch. And I only have 1 word that I will leave you with, PRIORITIES!

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The hardest part of life is losing those family members that we love.

That was the conversation that my son and I had the other night at bed time. And it really hit me because he said it with tears in his eyes.

We are going to see my grandmother next week, who is 94 years old. And there is a good probability that this might be the last time that we get to see her. And as hard as it is on me, because I will be saying goodbye to my last grandparent, this will be the 3rd loss for my boys in about a year.

But as I sat in the floor, holding my son’s hand and praying that I could find the right words to say to him, I was reminded that my boys ask me these questions for a reason. So, I took a deep breath and begin to talk about life and death and that we should focus on the today and not worry about tomorrow. And as we talk, that lead to other questions and more of me trying to find the right words.

I tried my best to bring my son comfort. I tried to give the best answers to his questions that I could. And once he seemed to accept my answers, I wiped away his tears and he wiped away mine. He laid his head on his pillow and holding my hand whispered “Dad, the hardest part of life, is losing those family members that we love.”

For a 7 year old, my youngest is an old soul. He is thoughtful and very much a deep thinker. He analyzes and worries about things, that I wished that he wouldn’t have gotten from me, but did. I don’t know that when I was his age, that I was thinking about the life and death spectrum?

As he drifted off to sleep, I thought about my answers. I had hoped and prayed that I could bring him comfort. I had hoped that I could take his worry and turn it into hope. But at the end of the day, he is right. One of the hardest part of life is losing those family members that we love. But I truly believe that if we focus on the time we have with them, that even though the pain will be there when they are no longer, we will have memories to hold on to.

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I’ve struggled a lot lately with how much of the truth I tell my sons about my childhood.
There have been a lot of questions, as they are of they age they want to know and ask things.

But how much do you tell? I’ve talked with friends that are a lot smarter than I am and more importantly, focus on child psychology and they have said to share what I fell comfortable with.

But that really didn’t help. The truth is this, my childhood was not that great. That is just a fact. But to what point do they need to know? And that I do not have an answer? And more importantly, it is something that I have struggled a lot with of late.

Watching the movie I Can Only Imagine brought a lot of feelings and thoughts to the forefront of my life. Was I hit with a plate, no, but did that movie hit way too close to home, yes. Do my kids need to know this about my past? Probably not. And probably not, I mean no.

As a parent, my job is to protect my kids. Not lie to them, but maybe not share all of the truth. When asked, I can say that things were not great in my childhood and shift the focus of the conversation to something else. Because what good does telling the truth do?

From my friends in the psychology world, they have talked with me at great lengths about breaking history and I usually laugh, because they know me better than that. The cycle of abuse has been broken. But the truth about my childhood to me, ends with me.

My son’s have asked a lot lately about my father and I just smile and try to answer as best I can. Sometimes, I lie. Is that fair to them, no. But is telling them the truth fair to take away the innocence of their view of their grandfather? Telling the truth does not help them in anyway and that is ok!

I’ve started for the first time in my life, dealing with what was my childhood. In doing so, it has also made me realize a lot of things too. Some of those things are not good either!

So today, as my kids ask me about my childhood, I give them shades of the truth, in hopes that it protects them from the truth and it helps me process it at the same time.

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