Friends

I have learned more about ADHD in the last several months than I ever thought that I would have to know. In talking with my son the other night, he started to tear up and start crying. The words hit me like a ton of bricks “Dad, I don’t have any friends.”

As a parent, I can not even begin to tell you how much my heart began to hurt. Words will never be able to truly describe that moment. I began to cry, but I also quickly thought to respond. I was able to reassure him that he did in fact have friends.

But the reality is simple, he doesn’t have many. So, I quickly found an article called Will My Child Ever Have a Best Friend? and this opening quote said it all:

Children with ADHD often invade personal spaces, blurt out rude comments, and play too rough — all of which makes it tough to keep friends.

This is it I thought! Exactly what I was thinking and feeling all wrapped up in once, because this is my son!

So, as some who that has to problem solve all day, I quickly thought through what can I do to help him? And the only way that I can help, is to create situations for him to be a better friend and to make new ones. I have contacted several of my friends that have kids and we are in the process of setting up play dates.

Is this going to help? Honestly, I don’t know, but I have to do something. As a parent, I have to do everything that I can to give him every opportunity to succeed and I wouldn’t be doing my job as his father if I did not try. We are signing him up also for a social skills class with other children that have ADHD as well, in hopes that he not only learns new coping skills but also to make new friends.

In the last year, I have seen a big change in my son and yes, medication is a HUGE factor. But I also think that he is learning more skills to cope with his outbursts as well. He isn’t jumping to accuse other kids and be so defensive. He is not being so fixated on something that he can’t get past situations and emotions.

Making friends as kids is already hard. Peer pressure. Differences. And to throw ADHD into the mix, it makes it harder. Not that it is something that he is not going to be able to overcome, but I think that it will help. My hope is that all of these things will help him establish friends and learn how to be a good friend to others.

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In life, friends will come and go. Many will be there for the good times and few will be there for the bad, but a true friend, is worth more than anything.

Yesterday, we packed up and drove for an hour to meet up with one of my best friends, who happens to also be my old roommate from Texas. We go back almost 20 years now and even though we only see each other 2 – 3 times a year, it is just like yesterday that we were together and having a beer and talking about life, our plans and our dreams. And yesterday was no different, except now, my boys run and jump in his arms when they see him and give him hugs and tell him about what is going on at school. And we talked yesterday at lunch for 3 hours, the boys were awesome and they let us just talk and my friend, we laughed and told jokes, caught up on life and somethings going on in our lives and just enjoyed our time together.

Our time, is never long enough. But, one thing that I’ve remember from when I was a little older than my sons, is that my Uncle Kenny (not really my uncle, but my Dad’s best friend), that you’ll only have 5 or fewer really close friends, those that will be there for you no matter what. My Uncle Kenny was a smart man, because he is right. My best friend, who my boys call their Uncle too, knows things about me and my life, that no one else knows. There is no judgement, there is just an understanding that no matter what, we will always be there for the other. The night that I called him and told him that my mother in law was killed, he was on his computer trying to book a flight. A few weeks ago, he called and was having a rough time and I was on my computer looking for a flight.

Friends that will be there for you through your lowest moment are your friends that will be there to drink a beer with you in our your highest moments. But as my wife said to me yesterday after lunch, you would have thought that my best friend and I had just seen each other the week before, because we just fall right into place with our conversations and laughing and joking around.

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The word for today kids is accountability!

According to the dictionary, Accountability can be simply defined as the following:

the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions
Merriam Webster Dictionary

So, what is the importance of accountability today you ask? It is very simple, I realized a few things over the weekend and the biggest was that when I’m not tracking the foods that I eat and the drinks that I consume, I put on weight.  So, starting today, I’ve asked a buddy of mine to hold me accountable to making sure that each day I update my food, as that is the fastest way that I’m going to lose my next 40 pounds. But it isn’t just with weight loss, I realized that I was not doing other things the way that I needed to and it is just good knowing that someone can help me stay focused and on track.

But accountability is really a bigger thing than just getting called out for skipping a meal or drinking 2 beers and going over my calorie intake for the day. It is really about the relationship and trust between two or more people so that they can be honest and keep you focused and in line.  And as fathers, I think that we need this. I think that we need someone, ideally other dad’s or friends that know and can relate to what we need and where we are in our lives to help us. It is good to be able to bounce ideas off of one other, what works for their kids, might work for mine. Guys don’t like to admit that they are wrong or failed, we don’t like to admit that we screwed up and aren’t perfect and Lord knows, we don’t like to ask for help. But the reality is simple, we need it. And sometimes, we need that accountability from someone that isn’t our spouse!

Accountability is a powerful thing and to be able to trust someone and know that they have your back, is an awesome thing.

 

 

 

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