Life

I started this blog with the intent of being able to provide words of wisdom one day to my sons. I did this as a way to chronicle their lives and share things that I have seen as their Dad and also things that I went through. And as a Dad, I would be wrong if I didn’t include one of my favorite musicians, Drew Kennedy and a new song that he just released for his sons called Miles to Go.

‘Cause you got miles to go
When it’s easy between the lines and the curves
To turn the beautiful scenery of this life to a blur
So don’t let your ride run out of road
You’ve got miles to go

To my sons, I hope that you take these words to heart and realize how much there is to do and see and take chances. Take chances when you you get a chance, and more importantly, trust your gut feeling. Life isn’t always about staying safe, you have to take a chance every now and then. Sometimes, you will fail. Sometimes, you will succeed. But, this much I can promise you, if you don’t try, you will never truly live.

 

Read more

It is time. It is time to say goodby to my grandfather, who for years was there for me. He believed in me, when I didn’t see it in myself.

When it was time for me to move to Texas, my father asked my grandfather if I was ready and he said “it is time.” And it was.

You see, with my grandfather, time is a key component to his life. He was a farmer so his crops were time sensitive. He and I talked on Saturdays and that too was time sensitive.

But his death, I feel was also based on time. He and I talked every Saturday, for the last 20 plus years. And 2 Saturdays ago, we talked and he could barely get more than two sentences out, but his words were meaningful:

Take care of your children and your wife. Love them. And I will miss our Saturday talks. I love you.

And just like that, the conversation was over. It was over, because not only was he tired and was struggling to get those words out, but it was over, because it was time. He said what he needed to say and I replied with a simple Yes Sir and I love you.

Time is a precious thing. It is based on time and moments, but also hugs and love. These past few days, there has been a lot of hugs and love and in a few moments, time seemed to stand still.

When the US Army Color Guard played Taps, I cried. When they folded the flag and saluted my father, who is a retired US Full Bird Col., I really cried. Because it really hit me, that my grandfather was gone.

Yes, I saw him and took the boys to the visitation and they both went to see the body with my wife, while I stayed in the hallway. But in the sense of time, the visitation stood still. I saw friends and family that I have not seen in years. I saw friends that my dad had in both his professional and military life that I have not seen in years.

And as each person sought me out, I realized, that not only in that moment in time, did life seem ok. But more importantly, that in that moment of time, life was ok, because I was still close to my grandfather.

Time is important, both here in the present and also in the past.

Read more

This has been a tough week. My grandfather is actively dying, work has been work and the boys have been ok. But it has been a tough week.

The boys have had a better week at both school and at home. They have done well with their nightly reading and math homework. But Boy B’s teacher has been out on medical leave and so his schedule has been a little off. I will say though that his medication has really helped with the last two weeks transitions with a substitute teacher.

As for my grandfather. The family has called in hospice to help provide comfort for him in his final days. And even though I have not been able to make the 7 hour drive south to say goodbye, I have been able to talk with him several times and we laugh, we cry and we say goodbye again. The call this past weekend was tough, because he was barely able to say “I love you”, but he did and I cried.

The older that I get, the more I realize what is really important. Work has been tough this week, for a lot of reasons. And maybe the things from my life have taken priority and/or overshadowed everything else, I have tried to keep composure. But life, is sometimes hard to control all aspects without a little struggle.

As I type this, one of the boys is watching the Houston Astros playoff baseball game (Go STROS!) and the other is in the bath. I just chilled a bottle of wine, because sometimes a good glass of wine is all that you need to help today be a little better. And as I get the boys ready for bed, I am quietly reflecting on the day and week.

This has been a tough week! But life can be that way more times than not. Sometimes, it is hard to step back and think about what is important because of life. And then there are days like today, that make me really realize what is truly important. So, with that, Go Stros! And I’ll put the boys to bed tonight, enjoy a good glass of wine and I’ll celebrate the final days of my grandfathers life.

Read more

For some reason, the thought of pulling teeth for the boys just never crossed my mind., until last night. I knew that Boy A had a really loose tooth, but I just figured that he would lose it like he did the first one, eating. But no.

So after dinner, he kept complaining that his tooth was really loose and he was in pain when eating. And the more he complained, the more my fair of pulling teeth became a reality. Just the thought scared me to death! I just keep thinking that I was going to hurt him and he was going to be in pain.

I tried to do what I thought was right, ignore the situation, offer him an apple and another slice of pizza, but that did not work at all. He chewed out of the other side of his mouth, which defeated the purpose. Then he asked for dental floss and I just could only imagine what crazy ideas that were going on through his mind, like ting it and slamming a door. Or tying it it and throwing something down the steps.

So as he was coming up with other ideas of how to get it out, I started texting fellow dads and they all said that they struggled the first time too, which did make me feel better. But, they all said to just pull it. Just grab a Kleenex and take it out. As I paced the hallway and kitchen, I got everything that I needed and just really need a few minutes to calm myself down and reassure myself that I was not going to hurt my son.

I had a glass of salt water on the counter to stop the bleeding, if there was any. A damped paper towel and a glass of wine for me. I had my son close his eyes and I took the Kleenex and felt how loose his tooth was and if he had eaten the apple, it would have come out, I am pretty sure. But I slide my thumb down and slowly lift his tooth out. I spent more time walking and pacing than it did to pull the tooth.

The tooth fairy came. He is happy. I was glad that my first experience of pulling teeth was not awful, but definitely never wracking. There are a lot of YouTube videos that are out there, so take a watch and see what works for you. The only real advice that I have, is to remain calm.

Read more

Heroes don’t wear capes and masks, instead they wear uniforms and business suits and dresses, and overalls. Heroes are everyday normal humans that do extraordinary things on a daily basis.

Teachers, doctors, famers, fire fighters, police officers, soliders and the list goes on and on, these are true heroes. They put their lives on the line daily or they do something for the better of the world. And more importantly, they do amazing things with little to no fan fare or rarely a thank you.

Today, as I type this, my grandfather, who is one of my heroes, is laying in a hospital bed and is coming to the end of his life. He fought in World War II, he was a farmer, he was a father and grandfather, brother, uncle, etc. But more importantly, he contributed to society in different ways and made everyone that came in contact with him a better person.

He is always quick with a joke or a smile and he has never known a stranger in his life. Even when he is down or not feeling well, he is doing everything he can to make someone else’s day better. Through out the last several months as his health has steadily declined, he never once complained. He never once asked for pity or for someone to feel bad for him. Instead, he offers advice, he tells a joke and he makes others ok with were he is in his life and in knowing what the future holds.

My grandfather has lived a great life. He lived within his means and built up a legacy for his entire family and has been a rock for us all. And as we come to the end of his life, I have struggled with making sure that I have asked all of the questions that I wanted to know. I have wanted to ensure that he is comfortable and ready to leave this world, because when I get the call, though it will be a sad moment, he will no longer be struggling.

So as we watch what is going on in the world today, I reflect more on what lessons of life I have learned from my grandfather, because he is a hero that wore a farmer’s hat and drove a tractor.

Read more

This past Friday, I took the day off from work to be a chaperone on my sons school field trip. Is this how I would normally want to spend a day off? Nope. But what a great day!

The boys and I walked over 5 miles that morning at the fair and visited every single exhibit with farm animals that they had. We laughed. We joked. And most importantly, we had a lot of fun.

At some point in time during our trip, one of the boys asked if my father ever went on a field trip. One thing that I have realized is that there are parts of my childhood that my kids do not need. Will it serve them any purpose in knowing that my father didn’t spend a lot of time with me? Do they need to know that he put work before me?

I just smiled and pointed out that a cow had just pooped and the boys went running and laughing. But it got me thinking while I was walking around the fair and looking at the other chaperones and I was one of the only Dads that was there. I understand it, it is hard to take off of work. I had to cancel 4 meetings in order to go on the field trip, but it was important for me to be there. My son’s need to know that they are my priority!

All Dad’s and future Dad’s, spend everyday as if it was your last. Give your children your undivided attention and it is not always easy to do, but try. Put the phone down and listen. Read at night to your children. TV can wait and so can responding to the emails that are sitting in your inbox.

As I watched my boys interact with their classmates and show their engagement with the animals and asking questions, I thought about the previous year and how much they had grown. I realized that I will never get today back. And in a few years, the boys will not want me to go on a field trip with them. So for today, right now, I will be glad to take off every chance that I can to spend time with my sons. I will be glad to be the only Dad going with their kids.

And more importantly, I want to make sure that my sons know that I have and will always make them a priority.

Read more

The summer is almost over and it is going to be back to school next week. But first, we are going to have a blow out this weekend of fun!

Due to a heavy rain today, it will be a low key day inside today and today starts college football season.  And let’s be honest, football season is really important. But the kids are actually doing a little prep of food for their first week back and they are helping me plan their meals.

Last year, we let the boys buy their food the second half of the school year because let’s be honest, it was easier. But now because we have an official diagnosis of ADHD for my son, we really wanted to try and change up his diet a little.  There has been a overload of reading of diets and things that can help with ADHD, so why not give it a try? And besides, it will be cheaper for us long term in terms of buying food and I can ensure that he will be getting a good lunch.

As I have been told by numerous people, especially teachers, the jump from Kindergarten to First Grade is big in terms of reading more and doing more math, I wanted the boys to have a low key weekend. So, FUN is in on the agenda. We are watching UNC play today on tv and then doing a little grilling. Tomorrow we are going to the Zoo and then on Monday, maybe a movie in the morning and then grilling out again. A good nights sleep and then off to school on Monday.

Summer is almost over and the beginning of a new school year is coming up within just a few days. The boys have had a blast going to camps and learning how to swim. But now, it is time for fun to shift to learning.

 

Read more

Well and there you go, 4 little letters this weekend, ADHD and now we have a diagnosis.

The last year has not been the easiest for us. We have have Boy B in Occupational Therapy and also seeing a child psychologist. And through all of these things, which he has grown a lot, we got the results of his psychological assessment.

Was I shocked, not really? I was actually more shocked when I shared with some family members the results and they asked if I was ok with the results? The results are what they are. Heck, I really was expecting him to fall on the autism spectrum. And besides, I’m not so sure that I did not and probably still do have characteristics of ADHD. So, no, I am not shocked.

But, I am learning at the speed of light some things that we will be doing differently. We have an appointment to his pediatrician this week, but we will also be drastically changing his diet. And just by a very quick Google search for ADHD diet for Children yielded a large list of ideas. Overall, it is interesting to discover how much nutrition plays a direct role into ADHD into the balance of the medication.

And yes, we have decided that, assuming that the Pediatrician wants to go the route of medication, which I am assuming they will, we are open to it. Are there pros and cons to medicine yes. And if you don’t agree with our decision, do I care what your opinion is? No! It is an opinion for a reason and I respectfully ask that you keep yours to yourself. We are making the best decision that we can for our son and we have sought out the advice of multiple people, both in the education and medical fields and they all agreed that medication was appropriate.

I had struggled for a long time about if we were faced with this decision, what would we do? I have struggled with an unknown factor, i.e. will my son’s personality be different? I have struggled with the fact of knowing that my son CAN NOT control his hyperactivity! I have seen it too many times. I have watched him struggle to focus. I have talked with his teachers and they have shared the same things that we were seeing at home.

I love my son. I love both of them equally. But my wife and I have to make the best decision for them, as they can not make the decision for themselves. And our hope and prayer, is that we are able to get the right balance of medication, diet and continued therapies so assist him, so that he is not on medication long term, but will be on it as long as he needs it.

The decision to put him on medication was not an easy one nor was it one that we took lightly. But, we are doing what will help him going forward, especially in school, to make him successful.

This is our new life. This is my son’s new life. He has a diagnosis. We finally know what we are dealing with, so that we can better deal with it. My sons are the most important thing to me and I will do what I can to give them the best that I can, even when it is going to be something like medication.

Read more

Such an easy thing to say, I am sorry, yet it is something that I think that a lot of father’s fail to say to their kids.

This past week, I had dealt with some issues at work, my wife’s car accident (that in and of it’s self will be a future blog post), knowing that my grandfather is dying, etc. and I’m not going to lie, I really struggled. I really struggled doing and saying the right thing because I wasn’t able to rest and I wasn’t able to deal, I was just going through motions.

So this week as I was putting the boys to bed, I was exhausted and I had zero patience for any messing around. And of course, that was the night that as I put the boys to bed, Boy A was ready to struggle. He whined, he cried, he fussed, etc and I had no patience for it and I got on him. I raised my voice and told him to knock it off.

So, why do I write this about say I am sorry? Easy, two weeks ago, my father for one of the first times told me that he was sorry. The words “I am sorry” came out of his mouth because I said that in my 41 years of my life, he had only cried in front of me 5 times and that he had told me that it was wrong to cry. But this time, he had a different story to tell. This time, he admitted, it was ok to cry. He said it was ok to say the words “I am sorry”.

My wife came up that night, as she could tell that I was loosing control and losing it quickly. She came up, laid down with our son, Boy A and got him to sleep. As she was rubbing his back, she was rubbing mine, as she knew that EVERYTHING from the previous weeks was coming to a head for me. But she also realized that I needed a break.

As I gathered my things after both boys were asleep that night, I said the following words “I am sorry” in my son’s ears. But that wasn’t enough. See, that was enough for me to go to sleep, but that was not enough for me to make amends. Growing, I was on the other side. I was the one going to sleep upset. I was the one going to bed being yelled at.  I said what I needed to, knowing that in the morning, I needed to say more.

This is what separates me from my Dad and it is not a negative against him at all, but is more what I have realized that I needed to do as a father, learning from his mistakes. So as my son, Boy A, woke up this morning, I grabbed him and hugged him as tightly as I could and whispered that I was sorry and we hugged.

I was wrong. I was wrong on so many differently levels. I was wrong because I took out on my son, my frustrations of life because he didn’t goto bed as quickly as I thought he should.  And the key phrase there is “I thought”. I thought that he should goto bed as soon as we were done our nightly routine. I thought that he should goto bed as soon as I was ready to goto bed.

But what I realized was, he wasn’t ready and I was wrong because I didn’t give him the opportunity to decompress for the day. I did not ask all the questions that he had for the day or all the different questions he had for the day. And what I realized as I left their room, was that was how I felt as a kid.

AND I WAS WRONG!

No, I WAS SORRY!

I was sorry for every making my sons feel the way that I did. I was sorry for dismissing their questions and needs, because I was tired and frustrated and wanted a glass of wine. I was wrong! But I made it right. I explained to both of them where I was wrong in my ways. I explained that I should have had more patience. And I encouraged both of them that when it is time for them to be father’s, to be a better Dad, than I am to them.

Does that mean that they will not fail? Nope. They will. Does that mean that they will not have to use the phrase, “I am sorry?” Nope, because, they will.  But if they can learn from me, if they can learn from my mistakes, if they can see that I tried to be the best dad that I could for him and still had short comings, then it gives them something better to strive for.

So to my sons, I am sorry. I have tried to be the best Dad that I can and will continue to do so. But, I will make mistakes. I will fail. But, I will say I am sorry, because, I will be.

 

 

Read more

I do not admit very often that I cried, but today I did and do. Today, I feel that I just told my grandfather goodbye and that I loved him for the last time.

My grandfather, who is 91, has been really struggled for the last few months, since the heart attack that he had back in May. And let’s just say I think that he would had rather gone out of this world than endure what he has since, as being confined to a chair isn’t how he wanted to live.

He is a proud man, who served this country at the age of 22 and went off to Germany to fight in WWII. When he and his brother returned from the war, they purchased a farm in North Carolina and for 40 years plus, that was what put food on the table and provided a livelihood for the family.

He didn’t live a life with the nicest things, but what he had he treasured and talking with people, that is what treasured the most. My grandfather and I had a standing weekly Saturday call at 1pm and it didn’t matter where I was in the world, we had that call. He would tell me about farming or how my grandmother was doing and I would describe what I was looking at if I was traveling.

You see, my grandfather really didn’t travel. In fact, his first and only flight, was to come and see my sons and myself a year ago. I had just always assumed that he flew to Germany for the war, but in fact, he took a boat ride from a port, which ironically enough, was not far from where I live today. But while my grandfather was here for that trip a year ago, we talked about his flight and how he flirted with the flight attendants and it was at that point, he made 2 really important observations about flying:

  1. That he had spent his entire life on the farm looking up at the bottoms of the clouds, but never could imagine the view that he got to see while looking down at the tops of them.
  2. At some point during the flight, he looked at my father, his son and smiled and said “I’m halfway to heaven and I’m that much closer to seeing your mom again.”

Wow! I have flown hundreds of times and not once, not once did I every have that insight. Not once did I think about where I grew up in North Carolina and standing on a baseball field and looking up at the clouds and think about one day spending who knows how many hours flying above the clouds?

And as for the part about my grandmother, you see she had Alzheimer’s for 12 years and my grandfather made the decision to be her primary care giver while she was at home. I will never know all that he did for her and how much abuse he took as the last few years, she became combative, but what I do know, is that he loved that woman and still does to this day and is a wonderful example of how a marriage should work.

My grandparents meet in grade school and got married right after high school and shortly after getting married he left for the war. They had 3 children, 1 being my father, were married for 64 years and through good times and towards the end, it was pretty bad, the lived and loved and worked together. They went to a little white church and that was an important life lesson that not only where the kids taught about, but the grandparents too. To this day, if I walked into their 10 pew church, I could point out exactly where we sat.

I learned a lot from my grandfather, who to drive a truck and a tractor, how to fish, how to laugh and probably one thing that I’ll never forget, is how to treat others. In Eastern North Carolina, I promise you, the number of people that my grandfather the majority were not white. Honestly, the only white people working were my family.

So today, I just had this tugging at my heart and as I sat on the sofa alone and my sons were upstairs playing, I picked up the phone and gave him a call. We didn’t talk very long, maybe 10 minutes as the Congestive Heart Failure and fluid build up is causing him to cough a lot when he talks. But as we talked and I could tell he needed a break he said the following too me “son, I want you to always be there for your family. Teach your sons the important things in life, like going to church, to always love one another and to always laugh.” And as he finished, we both were crying uncontrollably, we just said I love you.

After hanging up, I just sat in tears on the sofa and I cried. I cried for the loss of a great man, that I know the time is near. I cried for joy, in knowing that he will see my grandmother again and probably very soon. I cried, because a man who gave his all for this country, our family and gave unconditional love, will be greatly missed. He showed me the important things in life and shared may stories with me that I will be able to share with my sons when they ask about him. And even though they are old enough now to know him, because we live 6 hours away, they only get to see him 2 times a year.

So tonight as I reflect on the call and the calls that my grandfather and I have had, I am honored to have known and to have loved such an amazing guy. He taught me so much and he will be so greatly missed. Now, I just wait for the call from my dad, which I am sure going to be soon….

Read more