It is truly hard for me to say this, but I made a mistake recently in my career and though it is not the end of the world, it comes with a price.
Now, what could be so bad to admit that I had made a mistake? Simply put, I should not have changed jobs. Or at least, I should have held out for a different one. But there were reasons why I changed when I did and why I went with this role. I went in thinking that this was a good fit, but the reality is very simple, it is not the best fit.
Having worked for the last 11 years with the same organization, I felt that it was time to change but in reality, it just was not the change that I needed to make. So I have been in contact with other organizations and hope to turn this mistake into a positive change.
Today, I am grateful for the decision that I made and the opportunity to learn from my mistake, but at the same time, I am ready for a new change. But as I told the boys, mistakes will be made, but the bigger challenge is what can be learned from the mistakes?
15 years later and the tragic moments of 9/11 seem just like it was yesterday.
15 years later and I still remember where I was when I heard that the planes had hit the World Trade Center.
15 years later, I still remember my professor at UNCW dismissed our class and we all hurried to get to a tv.
15 years later, I still remember getting word that my friends that worked and lived in New York, were safe and sound.
And 15 years later, I still pray for those that lost their lives that day. Today, we mourn the loss of those that died, due to no fault of their own. Today, I pray for their families and pray for comfort and peace. Today, I am very grateful that when I last visited the World Trade Center Memorial, that I didn’t have to look for the photos of my friends on the wall.
And 15 years later, time still stands still as I remember the moment that our world forever changed.
But as I was reflect back to what Mister Rogers had to say about 9/11 and I don’t know that I could have said it any better myself.
So today, 15 years after a day that we’ll never forget, let’s put aside political differences and let’s focus on what really matters today.
There are songs that you can sing along to and there are songs that will stop you in your tracks and bring you to place of being able to 100% with the song and the musician. The first time that I heard the song “Before these walls were blue” by Wade Bowen, I literally had to sit down and just listen.
This past week, our lives have been flipped upside down with trying to prepare for a move. We’ve been packing, trying to line up painters and new carpet, and oh right, plan a birthday for the boys. But Sunday night, I just knew that Boy A was going to have a night terror and I was ok with knowing that I was going to be able to rock him for a few hours that night, because I needed the comfort of protecting him, as much as he needed the comfort of me rocking him to sleep.
As we approached hour two of our rocking, this song came to mind and here is one of the verses and the chorus and then take a listen:
Well I remember sitting there in that old rocker
Reading, trying to get you back to sleep.
Well I’d find myself, laughing at you laughin’
Wishing the hands of time that I could cheat
Yeah I thought that I knew love
Turns out I didn’t have a clue
Before these walls were blue.
As we rocked, I couldn’t believe how time had flown by and all that I wanted to do was slow down time and keep my boys little, just for a few more years. The day that I found out that we were having twins, my head was sent into a whirlwind and I felt so many different emotions, none of which were probably logical or realistic. But as we got closer to the delivery date, the more real things became. But the one emotion that I couldn’t quite grasp, was how could I love these two little boys unconditionally and so completely?
Yeah I thought that I knew love
Turns out I didn’t have a clue
Before these walls were blue.
I had no clue about love, even after they put my sons in my arms. I thought that I had figured out the world, the only thing that I figured out was that I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, but that I had to figure it out pretty quickly. And that is what I’ve tried to do.
Sure, I’ve made mistakes as a parent. I wish that I could go back and do things over. But the one thing that I realize day after day, before the walls in the boys room were painted blue, I had no concept of love. And as my boys grow up, they are doing more on their own and need my help, less and less, so as I seem them learning new things or handling things on their own, I just wish that the hands of time would slow down a little bit, so that I can continue to take it all in.
Secretly, I’m going to miss the day and it is going to happen a lot faster than I want to admit, when the boys no longer want to rock at night. And that is going to be a really sad day for me.
Most nights, I would probably say, 5 out of 7, I put the boys down by myself. I get them ready for bed, read, and then we sing a song or two and then put them down. Depending on how tired they are, Boy A will want to rock, which means that if Boy B hasn’t fallen asleep within 5 minutes of his head hitting the pillow, that he too will want to rock. Tonight, was no different. And as I was rocking Boy A, it hit me, he is getting bigger and will not want to do this much longer.
Secretly, I’m really going to miss this. This is our time to talk (whisper), sing (I’m an awful singer), and just share our thoughts for the day and be together. This is our time and no one can take that away from us. It is the time that we formed a strong bond and a solid trust. I shared stories of my childhood, some at least, we made up stories before bed, we talked about plans for the next day. All of these things, I will dearly miss when you no longer want me to rock you to sleep.
Does that mean that we will not still do those things, no, not at all. We’ll still do all of those things and more! But those moments were you would fall asleep in my arms, holding onto my finger for dear life, I’ll never get those nights back. And I will miss those moments.
