Family

Our church has been doing a 30 day challenge of all the members praying the simple prayer “God, if you are real, make yourself real to me.” And as we were in church yesterday, the sermon was on the Parable of the Lost Son and then they closed with a more modern version of the parable and it really got me thinking. What if I were in that same situation where one of my boys ran away? How would I feel? What would I think? How devastated would I be?  How welcoming would I be when they returned home? All of these thoughts flooded my head as the pastor was reading the modern version and as I wiped the tear from my eye, I realized that no matter what, no matter where, I will love my sons unconditionally.I will always be there for them, as long as I am breathing and I hope and pray that my sons know and realize this. I hope that they will learn that they come first, no matter what and that I will always love them.

But as I was sitting in my seat as the service closed, I realized, though I didn’t run away, I did move away from my family when I was 21. And I remember before leaving my grandfather’s house, my Dad took me outside and simply said, that he would always be there for me and that I could come home whenever I wanted to. And it hit me yesterday, I did the same thing, to a point. I left to find myself and in some regards, not deal with some of my family issues, but I also did it because I needed to.

And as I sat in church, I remember my drive to Houston, Texas and I remember how I felt getting there and my first night there, thinking if I had made the right decision or if I should just go home? But as days turned to weeks and weeks to months and months to years, what I realized is that your family will be there for you, even when you make the wrong choices. So to my sons, if you go the wrong way, just remember that you can always come home and that you’ll always be loved.
This is a great short story by Philip Yancey: like Jesus’ ‘prodigal son’ it not only speaks of those who have physically left home and wasted their lives, but in a sense it is what we have ALL done spiritually. As in the parable of Jesus the ending portrays God’s great love for the returning child.

“A young girl grows up on a cherry orchard just above Traverse City, Michigan. Her parents, a bit old-fashioned, tend to over-react to her nose ring, the music she listens to, and the length of her skirts. They ground her a few times, and she seethes inside. ‘I hate you!’ she screams at her father when he knocks on the door of her room after an argument, and that night she acts on a plan she has mentally rehearsed scores of times. She runs away.

She has visited Detroit only once before, on a bus trip with her church youth group to watch the Tigers play. Because newspapers in Traverse City report in lurid detail the gangs, the drugs, and the violence in downtown Detroit, she concludes that is probably the last place her parents will look for her. California, maybe, or Florida, but not Detroit.

Her second day there she meets a man who drives the biggest car she’s ever seen. He offers her a ride, buys her lunch, arranges a place for her to stay. He gives her some pills that make her feel better than she’s ever felt before. She was right all along, she decides: her parents were keeping her from all the fun.

The good life continues for a month, two months, a year. The man with the big car –she calls him ‘Boss’– teaches her a few things that men like. Since she’s underage, men pay a premium for her. She lives in a penthouse, and orders room service whenever she wants. Occasionally she thinks about the folks back home, but their lives now seem so boring and provincial that she can hardly believe she grew up there.

She has a brief scare when she sees her picture printed on the back of a milk carton with the headline “Have you seen this child?” But by now she has blond hair, and with all the makeup and body-piercing jewelry she wears, nobody would mistake her for a child. Besides, most of her friends are runaways, and nobody squeals in Detroit.

After a year the first sallow signs of illness appear, and it amazes her how fast the boss turns mean. “These days, we can’t mess around,” he growls, and before she knows it she’s out on the street without a penny to her name. She still turns a couple of tricks a night, but they don’t pay much, and all the money goes to support her habit. When winter blows in she finds herself sleeping on metal grates outside the big department stores. “Sleeping” is the wrong word – a teenage girl at night in downtown Detroit can never relax her guard. Dark bands circle her eyes. Her cough worsens.

One night as she lies awake listening for footsteps, all of a sudden everything about her life looks different. She no longer feels like a woman of the world. She feels like a little girl, lost in a cold and frightening city. She begins to whimper. Her pockets are empty and she’s hungry. She needs a fix. She pulls her legs tight underneath her and shivers under the newspapers she’s piled atop her coat. Something jolts a synapse of memory and a single image fills her mind: of May in Traverse City, when a million cherry trees bloom at once, with her golden retriever dashing through the rows and rows of blossomy trees in chase of a tennis ball.

God, why did I leave, she says to herself, and pain stabs at her heart. My dog back home eats better than I do now. She’s sobbing, and she knows in a flash that more than anything else in the world she wants to go home.

Three straight phone calls, three straight connections with the answering machine. She hangs up without leaving a message the first two times, but the third time she says, “Dad, Mom, it’s me. I was wondering about maybe coming home. I’m catching a bus up your way, and it’ll get there about midnight tomorrow. If you’re not there, well, I guess I’ll just stay on the bus until it hits Canada.”

It takes about seven hours for a bus to make all the stops between Detroit and Traverse City, and during that time she realizes the flaws in her plan. What if her parents are out of town and miss the message? Shouldn’t she have waited another day or so until she could talk to them? And even if they are home, they probably wrote her off as dead long ago. She should have given them some time to overcome the shock.

Her thoughts bounce back and forth between those worries and the speech she is preparing for her father. “Dad, I’m sorry. I know I was wrong. It’s not your fault; it’s all mine. Dad, can you forgive me?” She says the words over and over, her throat tightening even as she rehearses them. She hasn’t apologized to anyone in years.

The bus has been driving with lights on since Bay City. Tiny snowflakes hit the pavement rubbed worn by thousands of tires, and the asphalt steams. She’s forgotten how dark it gets at night out here. A deer darts across the road and the bus swerves. Every so often, a billboard. A sign posting the mileage to Traverse City Oh, God.

When the bus finally rolls into the station, its air brakes hissing in protest, the driver announces in a crackly voice over the microphone, “Fifteen minutes, folks. That’s all we have here.” Fifteen minutes to decide her life. She checks herself in a compact mirror, smooths her hair, and licks the lipstick off her teeth. She looks at the tobacco stains on her fingertips, and wonders if her parents will notice. If they’re there.

She walks into the terminal not knowing what to expect. Not one of the thousand scenes that have played out in her mind prepares her for what she sees. There, in the concrete-walls-and-plastic-chairs bus terminal in Traverse City, Michigan, stands a group of forty brothers and sisters and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandmother and great-grandmother to boot. They’re all wearing goofy party hats and blowing noise-makers, and taped across the entire wall of the terminal is a computer-generated banner that reads “Welcome home!”

Out of the crowd of well-wishers breaks her dad. She stares out through the tears quivering in her eyes like hot mercury and begins the memorized speech, “Dad, I’m sorry. I know…”

He interrupts her. ‘Hush child. We’ve got no time for that. No time for apologies. You’ll be late for the party. A banquet’s waiting for you at home.’”

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The older that I get, the more that I realize that I need to devote time for self reflection and time to just unwind and clear my head. Today is one of those days and I thought that I would share a few thoughts/ideas/concerns/etc.

  • This past week, in a small town outside of Roanoke, VA there was yet another senseless shooting.  Please understand, I am 100% in favor of the 2nd Amendment and law abiding citizens being able to legally own and carry fire arms. BUT, I also believe that our society has a serious mental health issue as well and until politicians are able to figure out a legal solution that prevents those that have mental health issues from legally purchasing a gun, then please stay off the tv and keep your political rhetoric to a minimum. Literally within 2 hours of the shootings, the VA Governor held a press conference about gun laws. Mind you, the person that shot the innocent individuals purchased his weapon legally and lawmakers forget that criminals don’t exactly go and register and purchase their handguns legally, as that requires background checks, etc.
  • The stock market took an interesting turn this past week. I only lost $5,000.00, which is a lot, but in the long term, that shouldn’t be too bad. I also upped my contributions to offset future growth and obtain more shares with future purchases.
  • As for the little monkeys, I see more and more growth and maturity in those little guys everyday. They have started to speak a little Spanish, both can count to 10 with no problems and can say a few conversational words. The boys are helping out more at the house and helping clean more. And their personalities just keep growing.
  • Vacation is quickly coming up, but that is something that I”m not necessarily looking forward to again this year. Long story and not a public story. But I will get to spend time with the boys and I’m currently looking at day trips while we are at the beach, i.e. there is an Aquarium nearby, as well as a Naval museum with airplanes.

The last few weeks have been an up and down time for me personally and professionally. I’m fortunate to have the job that I do, as there are so many that are unemployed, though, I often time questions my current career path.  In talking with one of my best friends, who is in a similar situation, I know where my passion lies, though I don’t think that it is my career, as I would hate to lose that passion and turn it into a job that I hate. But at the same time, I wonder if the culture here at work, is contributing to my uncertainty?

Reflection is important for interpersonal perspective. The more that you can self identify, the more that you can stay on top of the things that are bothering you and keep you focused on the important things. So this morning, as I was driving into the office and thinking about the kids and how quickly they are growing and as my work week winds down, I can’t wait to spend the weekend with them. We have a few things already planned to grill and cook and I’m going to teach them how to make chicken and mushroom risotto this weekend and hopefully get some much needed downtime in as well.

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The reality is that we are getting older. I am getting older, my wife, who is 7 years younger than I am, is getting older. My parents are getting older and the reality is, that each day is more a challenge, especially for them.

My parents, who are divorced and remarried both have fallen in the last few months/days. My father had a major knee surgery and is required to now stay off of his leg for 6 weeks. My mom fell last week and broke her ankle and the physician took one look at her x-ray and they immediately scheduled surgery, as the ankle was broken on both sides.

I live 6 hours away from my parents and the reality is that I need to be closer to help take care of them. I was already scheduled to be down there in 2 weeks, but this might require two separate trips. I haven’t been super close with my family since I moved away 20 years ago, not to say that I don’t talk with my parents, which I do, a lot or that I don’t love them, I do. But for the first time, it hit me that I really need to be closer to them and be there when they fall, need help recovering after surgery, etc.

Our reality is a new one, my parents are getting older, my last two grandparents are getting much older, as both turn 90 this year. Today has been a rough day trying to coordinate with physicians, the nurses at the physicians office, talking about the surgery that my mother needs, recovery, etc. This might ultimately fast track a move closer to my family, as they will need more help going forward and I’ll need to be closer to them.

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That was the question that I was asked repeatedly last night, “Buy Why?” And no, it was not by my twins, but instead by a good friend of mine. And for once, I was not annoyed by the question or upset by the question, but I left focused on the question, “But Why?”

Last week about this time, I got a text message from my good friend that one of our friend’s son was born, but that there were major complications. Because we didn’t really know anything a group of us were sitting by waiting for a group text to come through that all was ok, but that didn’t happen. It was more like, “we aren’t sure what is going on?”, “it is moment to moment right now?”, “the Dr’s aren’t sure what happened?” and the list goes on. But which each text, my buddy would always ask “But Why?”.  But why don’t you know what is going on? But why is it moment to moment? But why aren’t the Dr’s doing more to find out what happened?  And it got me thinking, because the one question that I kept waiting for to be asked, did not come. The one question that we were all thinking and wanting to not ask, for 6 days was finally asked. And it is one of the few times in my life, that I could provide no glimmer of an answer that even closely made sense. It was the first time, that I felt helpless in my response, but the question was this: “But why did God let this happen to him?”

And there it was, the elephant in the room. I thought about it for a few minutes, I prayed for guidance in my answer and maybe a little bit of wisdom and hope. And what came out of my mouth was jumbled and a struggle, but it basically was this “Man, I really don’t know? I wish that I had an answer for you, but I don’t? I wish that I could ask God this very question and he provide some sort of indication or a clear answer, but he isn’t going to do it in such an obvious way. But, here is what I do know. I do know that God will provide people around the family to provide love and support and if this baby takes his last breathe today, all of the guys will be going to visit the family and we’ll all be making donations to the NICU that has been providing care for the baby. We will all rally around this family to help provide normalcy in a very not normal situation. But to answer the question, I don’t know why?”

I did Google searches and there are blog posts on this topic, there are books about Bad things happening to Good people, there are those that provided verses from the Bible and at the end of 2 pages of searches, I asked out loud, “But why God?” And I know that it isn’t my place to ask that, or maybe it is? But as a father, to hear that a friend’s first born son was struggling to make it, just tore my heart into pieces. I feel awful for the family and my friend. And I pray for peace and mercy on his son’s life and for the healing should his son take his last breath today.

This morning, as I took a few minutes of quiet time before everyone woke up and started moving, I read through the text messages and how the question “But Why?” kept coming up over and and over again and it hit me, there is no answer that will save their son’s life. The physicians will do everything that they can, but the reality is simple, it doesn’t look good. There will be no answers. Logically and medically, this should not have happened and it was of no fault of anyone. But why then? No one will every really know the answer, but my hope is that this family is surrounded with love and support and tonight, I’ll be hugging my boys a little tighter.

And as I sit here and think about what my friend is going through right this very minute, sitting in the hospital and staring at his son, not knowing if this is the last day with him, I ask one question, “Buy Why?”

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Close your eyes and listen to the whistling and you’ll be immediately taken back to a time that was simple and easy. A time where Sheriff Andy Taylor would sit on the front porch and talk with his son Opie and I think that we can all agree, that there is something to Mayberry that we all love.



Today at church, the message was entitled “Missing Mayberry” and I think that we can all relate. Our lives are crazy and busy and in someways, out of control. For those that grew up in at a time where The Andy Griffth show, we watched a town with a sheriff and a deputy, a jail that rarely anyone was locked up in and a time where life was simple. No cell phones. No easy access to information and things were just slower. As I was listening this morning to the sermon, I found myself thinking about watching the show, going to Mt. Airy, NC and walking around and reliving my childhood of watching the show.

There is something to be said about slowing down a little. My commute everyday is an hour each way. From 5:30 am Monday through Friday, my phone goes off and I get an evenings worth of emails to trickle through. I get the boys up and fed and 3 days a week, I take the boys to school and also pick them up. On my drive to and from work, I catch up with friends and family. Throughout the day, I’m answering emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. regarding work, when our servers go down, someone’s perceived emergency, etc. And today, while thinking about Mayberry, I longed for those quiet moments.

There is something that can be said for being able to see the stars at night when you walk outside. There is something about quiet times with family and friends. To commute to work in less than 20 minutes right now sounds like a miracle. To be able to let my children walk outside and play and be ok about their safety, is something that I’m missing.

Mayberry was a fictional town based off of Andy Griffth’s hometown of Mt. Airy, NC and being from North Carolina, I was fortunate to visit the town on a few occasions. But it was my last visit, that I took the time to sit down and rest and observe that I really made the connection to the town. And I understand completely whey Andy chose to model the town of Mayberry after Mt. Airy, because it has something that we all want as we grow older, a certain peace to it and a slower time. A friendly place where you felt safe. A place where people spoke to you and time almost stood still.

So as the sermon wrapped up today, I realized what I was longing for, Mayberry!

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Happy 4th of July everyone, even thought his is going up a day late. Life sometimes gets in the way, as many of you reading this can relate.

As many of families did on the 4th, we spent the day with our boys, we laughed, played and had fun. And later in the day, the boys and I fired up the grilled for our traditional American BBQ, hamburgers, brats and hotdogs. It is funny how as the boys are getting bigger and older, the more interested that they are becoming with grilling and cooking. As I’ve had conversations lately with my mother, she told me that my father never did any of these things with me and how happy she is that I’m teaching the boys these basic lessons of life and it got me thinking.

I really can’t think of a time that my dad fired up the grill. I really can’t think of a meal that my dad ever cooked, maybe scrambled eggs? And I never cooked, until I had to. And I have the boys now helping me grill, smoke and cook in the kitchen as often as I can. Yes, they are supervised and no, I don’t let them do anything dangerous, but they are learning about food safety, pairing of foods, types of woods that we use when we grill, etc.

So, last night as we grilled the boys and I were listening to music, I smiled and I watched the boys and realized how fast they are growing up. But the highlight of the day, wasn’t grilling out, but instead we took the boys to see fireworks for the first time. All day, fireworks was the topic of conversation and it is funny, I’m really protective over Baby B, probably to a fault. I was concerned that he wasn’t going to like the fireworks and hold his hands over his ears the entire time and miss out. So we had my father in law bring over ear muffs and as the fireworks started, for a minute, he used them. And then, something happened, he started taunting the fireworks, as if they were going to get him. He would say “come and get me fireworks, if you can!” and then he would laugh.

I was basically concerned about nothing and I’m having to realize that more and more the boys are growing up and becoming and more and more self sufficient. So on this 4th of July, the only time that the boys will be 4 on the 4th of July, I hope that everyone out there had a safe and happy holiday. I hope that everyone got to spend quality time with family.

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Tonight as the boys and I were reading our nightly stories, we finished up Max Lucado’s “God Thinks Your Wonderful” and as we were reading, Baby B sits up in bed and says “Gods Way Is Perfect!”  And then he sat back down in his bed and I tried to finish reading the book.

After that point, I really don’t remember much of the story other than I just wanted to hug my son.

Today was one of those days at work, things didn’t go according to plan and I just didn’t seem to get ahead. But tonight, after Baby B said “Gods Way Is Perfect” I just felt like God was talking to me. And I don’t mean that in a weird way, but I felt that was my time with God tonight. I had already read my devotional, but that was my moment of God saying that everything was ok! But tonight, in that moment, life was ok, better than ok, it was perfect.

Tonight, Gods Way Is Perfect!

 

 

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The kids have really been having a hard time lately with their bedtime. They just haven’t been able to stay in their beds and going to sleep, it has been we have to pee, we need to read, we need to rock, and my personal favorite is when they ask me to go outside and see if a panda bear is out there. Well, my wife and I have been planning for weeks to take the boys to the zoo today and when I had gotten tired of them fighting yesterday I told them of our plans and if they didn’t stop, that we weren’t going.

Wow, was that the trick. They immediately started helping cleanup their toys, are most of their dinner and after bath, I had them in bed asleep in record time. And it was cool to hear all of the animals that they wanted to see today at the zoo.

Normally we take the kids to the aquarium to see the fish and other animals, but we had tickets from the office and thought that this would be a great family day. I remember as a kid only going to the zoo, maybe one time and that was with school, so it is really important to my wife and I that we expose the kids to as many educational opportunities as possible.

So, as I type this, it is about 30 minutes before I had hoped that tbe kids were waking up and only and since Baby A woke me up to ask if it was time to go to the zoo or not? Excited? Yeah, just a little, but since they have been to the zoo a few times already, he was asking if we could see the panda bear first and then he basically mapped out our visit.

So as I sip my coffee and we wait for my wife and Baby B to wake up, we talk about the zoo and the animals.

I love mornings like this.

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Nothing good comes when a sentence starts with “It’s one of those ……” and you can fill in the blank as to what could be said.

It’s one of those days….
It’s one of those outfits….
It’s one of those types of families…..

You get the idea. Well, a co-worker mentioned the other day about her church, which is a local Catholic Church and when she asked about the music at the church that we attend, I mentioned that they led off the previous service with Zac Brown Band’s Homegrown and she looked at me and said, oh, you attend on of those churches.

Now, you have to know my co-worker and understand their personality to accept the backhanded comment a little easier. But this one just kind of hit me wrong and it did for several reasons.

1) They knew that I attended church and at the end of the day, isn’t that the most important thing? Not which denomination, but the fact that we attend.
2) The boys love this church. They are literally asking each day if we are going to church. HUGE!
3) This is the first church that my wife and I have attended and have loved being a part of. We feel like we belong. We feel like we are apart of something bigger here. Something bigger than we did when we attended the United Methodist Church and my wife and I both attended a Methodist church our entire lives, so over 30 years.

So I stood quiet for a moment and gathered my thoughts, because my first response would not have been the right one. So I smiled and said yes, yes we do attend one of those churches. We attend a church that is reaching over 1,200 each Sunday. We are attending one of those churches that had missionaries in 3rd world countries but also doing amazing local outreach in our community. We attend one of those churches that meets people where they want to be met, not following the traditional worship style. We attend one of those churches that goes out among the people and make a difference.  And it is more revealing to more and more each Sunday why contemporary/non-denominational churches are growing and reaching more and more people each week and why the traditional church is losing members at a large level.

So why do I mention faith and religion and church as much as I have lately? Not sure to be honest, it is just something that I’ve been thinking more about lately. But what I know is that attending this church has done something big in the lives of my children and strengthen the relationship between my wife and myself. And I hope, at some point when my kids read this, that they will see how that we have tried to show them a greater being in faith.

So yes, we attend one of those churches, one of those churches that is changing lives, including mine.

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“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart. I’ll stay there forever.” A.A. Milne aka – Winnie the Pooh

I saw this quote recently and it reminded me of the first time that I had read it, which was after the death of a friend in High School and recently, my buddy and I were talking about my mother-in-law’s death. And it got me thinking about the impact on my son’s lives and would they remember me, if something happened to them? Would they keep me in their heart, when it comes a day for my death.

I’ve tried to do what is right by my kids and I hope that I’m showing them the importance of putting others needs before their own. Treating others with respect, and they will be respected in return. I hope that they would continue upon the road of a deepen faith. And I hope that they would take care of their mother and to always make decisions based on their gut feeling and to trust that feeling.

I know that when it is time for me to say goodbye to my parents, though I would be sad, my parents instilled in me values and respect and to have a deeper faith. But they also showed me what it is like to be a parent. To put your kids in front of everything else.

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart. I’ll stay there forever.” – Words of wisdom from Winnie the Pooh

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