Discipline

Failure is a word that I have used several times today to describe how I felt today. And yes, maybe failure is a strong word, but that is how I feel. I feel that I have failed my sons in someway, that I haven’t been able to help them as much as I should maybe, because that is the only explanation I have when both boys had bad days at school yesterday.

I don’t know if it is the adjustment back to school schedules from the Thanksgiving break or what, but Monday was great for the boys, but Tuesday, not so much. Boy A’s teacher emailed us last night letting us know that he didn’t finish his work and that he kicked a chair because he was frustrated and threw a pencil. THREW A PENCIL! Seriously? At 5? Not acceptable.

So that was one kid, Boy B got upset because a guest speaker came in and it completely threw his day off. Stomped his feet. Argued with his teacher. And it was just not a good day. The teacher called us 5 minutes after I walked in and filled us in on his day. Again, not acceptable, granted, there is a specific reason that we are dealing with as to why he behaved that way, but now we have to figure out a way to get him the help that he needs to help control his temper and his actions.

Today, I feel like a failure and that I have failed them with providing them with certain guidance and tools to help control their emotions. I know that I am doing all that I can and what is best for them, but right now, in this very moment, I feel that I am a failure.

But for now, as I sit at the office, I have time to work through this feeling. On my drive home tonight, I will have time to work through this feeling of failure. But as I walk into the house tonight, I need to hug both of them and talk with them about our expectations.

There will be a few new changes to the boys after school routine going forward.
1) There will be no more tv during the week. We usually give them 30 minutes to watch tv and relax after work. No more. Or at least not until things change. 2) No more seeing friends after school.
3) 30 minutes of free time and then it will be time to do homework, cleaning up toys and preparing for dinner and then bed.

As I type this, I still feel like I have failed them, but my hope is that as I walk into the house tonight, that I am able to realize, that I am preparing them for life and giving them the tools that they need to succeed.

Read more

For whatever reason, the last few weeks have been a little bit of a challenge with the boys behavior and thus, we’ve had to look at different forms of punishment for them. And I really believe that outside of seeing your child hurting, punishing them is one of the hardest jobs for parents.

Ever since we had to move the boys to the daycare center, both boys have started to act out more. More talking back. More pushing. More acting out when they don’t get their way. Sure, these are all normal actions with growing up and testing boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that as parents, we can’t address and correct these behaviors before they turn into bigger problems.

Some of the punishment thus far that has been handed out is:

  • No TV
  • No tablets
  • Exercising and trying to burn off some energy
  • Writing an apology (this also works on their writing skills too)
  • Taking toys away and that seems to have had the biggest response thus far.

I have noticed that taking things away from the boys, as opposed to just spanking them, seems to be working well. I have always wanted to try and stir clear of spanking whenever possible, as I think that it sends a mixed message, because spanking and hitting are one in the same.

Misbehavior is something that has to be addressed quickly or it will get out of hand. I know that a lot of our kids acting out is directly related to behavior that they are learning from other kids at daycare and also some of the tv shows that they have recently seen. That being said, TV is something that I can and do control. Behavior of other kids at daycare becomes a little tricky. Regardless though, the earlier that we can identify and address these things, the better and often times, punishment is the easiest form to correct these things.

Read more

Growing up, I really struggled with patience and I think that it about broke my father and my backside. I wanted things right then and I wanted things done the way that I wanted them done. But guess what? Life doesn’t work that way and today, I was shown that in a humbling way.

For the last week I have been fighting a bad sinus infection, which for where I live, has been a constant for the last 7 years. And today, after waking up and not being able to hear, I gave in and called to get an appointment with my ENT and luckily, he had 2 openings this afternoon. After getting there and catching up with the Doctor, we decided to have him put in tubes again in both ears. Yes, both ears and yes, I’m getting close to 40. But the point is, I had to have it done then, I couldn’t wait. Sure, I could show patience and wait a few more weeks, but that could cause problems and further complications. So, he performs the minor surgery and off I go.

Yesterday for my downtime, I cooked and cooked a lot. But my new weekly food to make is my homemade salsa. And who doesn’t love just saying the word salsa? The kids don’t eat it, but man it is delicious. So, I’m on the phone with my dad and I’m frustrated because this was the 11th time in my life that I’ve had tubes and the pain and frustration, etc. And as we are talking and I’m waiting to checkout, I see the guy in front of me digging through his pockets for money. He only had 3 items, a bottle of water, band aids and a banana.  And as I’m talking with my Dad, this guy is struggling to find the money. And when I say money, it was about $2.00 roughly.

My dad was asking me questions, I could see the cashier was getting frustrated and the guy, mind you, he looks like he hasn’t showered for days and because of my allergies and sinus infection I couldn’t smell him. But I realized something, this guy didn’t have the money and it was in that moment, I had 2 options: 1) let the guy put the food back or 2) pay the $2.00, because honestly, $2.00 wasn’t anything in my day, as that is what I spend on a cup of coffee almost daily.

Daily, I spend more for a drink than this guy ate all day. And as I’m talking with my Dad, I politely asked if I could call him back and I handed the cashier the money that he needed and told the gentleman to keep his money for another day. There was a couple behind me that rolled their eyes and the guy couldn’t have thanked me enough, as I’m sure that he was embarrassed. The cashier thanked me and we smiled and waved to the guy as he walked out of the store.

When I got my dad back on the phone, he asked me what happened and I seemed replied that I helped a guy that was down on his luck, who looked like he needed a little bit of hope today and that even though it wasn’t much, I think that it gave him at least one meal today. And as I hung up with my Dad, I realized, that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have done that. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, I would have been frustrated and in a hurry to get out of the store and go home and rest. My ears were hurting, I just wanted to relax. But today, I got to experience that life lesson that I’ve been learning since I was the age of my boys and how today, that patience taught me and reminded me how lucky that I am.

Read more

A few nights ago my Godfather sent me an email with a link to 28 Rules for Fathers & I thought that I would share it here and then maybe add a few additions to it.  Let’s be honest, all guys when they find out that they are having kids are scared to death, hell I was, let alone finding out that we were having twins. But a few take aways from the Rules for Fathers:

1) Love his Mother – Be a good role model and let your sons see the love that you have for your wife and I promise, one day a young lady that your son will bring home to meet you, will thank you. Show them that it is good to be lovely, supportive and attentive.

4) Take him to a ball game – I would actually expand this to to teaching him about sports in general. There is something unique about playing a game, because in life, there are winners and losers, just like in sports. But there are also life lessons that come with winning and losing too. Because in winning, it is how you win and how you show that expression at the end of the game. Do you line up and congratulate the other team or do you rub it in their faces? And with losing, do you hold your head down or do you hold it up, because you busted your butt and gave it everything that you had?  Those same life lessons apply to life.

16) Father him – A father isn’t just a part time person. A father isn’t just there for the concept. But a father is the one that will teach and show his children how to live. A father needs to over use the words “I Love You”, because at the end of the day, those kids are going to be looking to their father for support or answers or approval. And NO child should ever wonder about their father’s love.

28) Be his hero – Kids need someone to look up to. They need good role models. They want to be just like their dad’s when they grow up, so do what is right and teach them right from wrong at an early age. And don’t let some punk musician be their hero either.

A few Rules for Fathers that I would add:

Winning and Losing – It is part of life, it is a part of sports, but it is a fact in life that there will be someone that will win and someone that will lose. The difference is, how hard you work to get there. If you put forth zero effort, you’ll lose every time. But if you bust your butt, you’ll win, maybe not every time, but you’ll win and you’ll get ahead. You’ll get ahead in the game, you’ll get ahead in school and you’ll get ahead in life.

Learn to Cook – Show your kid that your wife isn’t the only one that can cook in the house. In fact, let all the guys cook for mom one night. It gets the kids excited about what they eat and doing something nice for their mom and maybe it turns into a hobby that they enjoy.

Laugh at yourself – Don’t take life so serious. We all make mistakes, but it is how we handle those mistakes that separate us.

Believe in something – I’m not saying believe in God, or Buddha or whatever, but have a faith in something. It helps give meaning and perspective in life. It helps keep us grounded.

and finally, Be Humble – This kinda goes in with the manners, but in life, I feel that we all get dealt a handle, but be gracious and be humble with the hand that you are dealt. Say thank you. Be respectful. It will be noticed. Remember that in life, there is always at least 1 other person that is worse off than you. There is always 1 other person that is dealing with something worse than you. There is always 1 person that is going through a life altering moment and though what you might be dealing with in that very moment, doesn’t compare to things that other are facing right then.

I really enjoyed reading the 28 Rules for Fathers because it really got me thinking and evaluating what I was doing in how I was raising my sons. But it also got me thinking about how I was raised. What I went through and how my life was shaped by my father.

Read more

It is all fun and games until someone takes a poop on the floor. Yep, that happened today.

We’ve been working on potty training big time and the boys, I have to say, have done a pretty good job. A few accidents, but they have been really minor. Today, Baby A said that he had to go upstairs to poop. Great, off we went. Get upstairs and within a minute, he is pooping. High fives and we are off back downstairs. Literally two minutes later, he is standing on the rug, clinching his little butt cheeks. I ask him what is wrong and he starts to get ready to cry.  It is then when I realize, he has to poop again. Off we go, but not before I look down and realize that there is poop on the floor.

When we were sitting upstairs, Baby A is obviously upset. He kept saying that he was sad.  We talked. I explained that he has to tell us when he needs to poop and that he has to control it, but that sometimes it is hard to control when you have to poop and that you have to just go with it. That was when he smiled.

He smiled because I was not mad with him. How could I be? He pooped, he didn’t break the tv. He made a mistake. But what I hope that he realizes, as his brother, as they go through life, my job is teach them right from wrong, good from bad. My job is teach them and show them how to and how not to react to situations. I hope that they realize that sometimes, it is ok to poop on the floor.

 

Read more

Today was a hard day for me and maybe one of the hardest as a father. We took the boys to their second week of gymnastics.  The class was relatively small and they were the only boys there, I guess they were also the youngest too.

Class started and within 5 minutes Baby B was up running around. At first, I thought that he would stop, but quickly it became a game. But worse than that, it was a distraction. It was a distraction to the other kids and to the teacher and it wasn’t fair to them. So after I was able to get him, we walked outside and talked and I explained that if he misbehaved again, that he would not return to the class.

We got back in and for 5-10 minutes he listened and even participated, but that didn’t last. Up and running and I was done. I was able to get him after he made two laps around the class and that was it. I took him into the nursery area and got him checked in. I made it back to the gymnastics class to see Baby A listening and having a lot of fun. He was doing flips and jumping over little mats.

So after the class, I go back to pickup Baby B, only to see that he had been put in time out for not listening. He didn’t listen in the class or in the nursery and I felt like a failure as a parent.

As we left, I called my mom and told her about my day and how I felt like a failure. And she reminded me that sometimes as parents, we have hard days and that those hard days only make us better parents in the long run.

Read more

Oh, there I said it, one of those taboo words, Spanking.  For the record, I am not a doctor nor am I a psychologist, so now that that is out there, let em tell you what I am. I am a parent. I am father of two boys. I am a son to two loving parents. I am the son of divorced parents. I am the son of a Colonel in the US Army. I am from the south.

Why do I say all of those things that I am? Because I’m tire of seeing this video that has been going around on Youtube:

Here is my issue. It is the parents job to set the boundaries and to set exceptions, not engage a child in a debate.  If the parent said that the boy could not have a cupcake for dinner, then that is what was going to happen, not film a 3 minute video on it. But, to go a step further, you’ve got those on the other side that just have a issue with spanking:

Former HuffPost Senior Columnist, Lisa Belkin, argues that the spanking “debate” shouldn’t exist, because there aren’t two sides — decades of research shows that spanking is ineffective and psychologically harmful. But still, news outlets and other parenting blogs discuss the practice often. The real news here is that the Internet is choosing to ignore that part this time, for no clear reason. (Read more from the Huffington Post here)

So here is my issue and it is simple, who’s place is it to say that spanking is ineffective and better yet, harmful? For the record, there is a line between spanking and beating your child and I DO NOT CONDONE THAT! I do on the other hand, see that if a child is misbehaving, (a lot depends on the age of the child here too, as a 2 year can’t grasp this concept in my opinion) a light smack on the leg to get their attention is ok. Again, there is a difference between spanking a child to inflect pain, and popping their legs to get there attention.  I am not talking about leaving a hand print on a child.

Was I spanked as a child, absolutely. Do I have authority issues? No, because I know to this day what would happen to me if I were to misbehave. Is that a psychological issue? Maybe? But I know the difference between right from wrong. I know that the difference between doing good and wrong to others. I also know that I love my sons more than anything  else in this world and I want to protect them and teach them to be contributing members of our society. I want them to see that there are times as a parent, that I have to discipline them. Does that mean that I’m going to spank them? No, I would rather not spank them. But, that doesn’t mean that if I needed to smack their leg to get their attention, that I wouldn’t do it. Again, spanking, i.e. hitting a child hard enough to leave a mark and smacking a child on their legs to get their attention are two entirely differently  things.

So back to this video, a video where the 3 year old called his, I believe his mother or grandmother by their first name Linda. Growing up, had I called an adult by their first name, let’s just say that there would be several spankings involved, no question asked. Not to mention to mention that there would be restrictions and apologizes. But the parent did not lay down the ground rules and kept filming the video because they thought that it was funny. I have yet to find the humor in it. Still, several days after having watched it for the firs time.

Parents, be parents for your children. Set the ground rules. You are their parents, not their friends that they can hang out with and run all over. If there isn’t a change in behavior now, I only wonder how our society will end up in 20 years?  Do some Google searche sand I think that you’ll have articles/blogs/stories on both sides of the issue. But I can only speak for myself and my experience and that is simply, spanking can be a good way to teach and get your child’s attention to teach them a life lession.

Read more

We don’t hit, we don’t PUSH, we don’t kick and we don’t bite. I feel like I am repeating this all the time lately.

The boys have been, well boys lately. They are pushing each other around and hitting. Luckily, no one has gotten hurt, but we are really trying to get this under control. Tonight, we are staying in a hotel, as we are traveling to visit family and the boys Godfather and wouldn’t’ you know, the boys were pushing and Baby B was pushed into the corner of a table. He wasn’t hurt, thank goodness and it happened right in front of me and there was nothing that I could.

After a gasp for breath, Baby B let out a LOUD scream. I couldn’t do anything but hold him. And make sure that he wasn’t bleeding.  After a minute, he was ok and ready to start playing again. But, I had to talk with Baby A. I had to make him understand what he did was wrong. We talked, he repeated the we don’t hit, we don’t push, we don’t kick and we don’t bite.

We have to walk a fine line with discipline. This would have been the perfect situation for spanking, but would Baby A understand what he did was wrong? I don’t know? But, I do know that pushing can/is dangerous. I’m just lucky that with being out of town at the ER.

 

Read more